


there you are, there you were

by demonglass



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Actors, Established Relationship, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Miscommunication, Non-Linear Narrative, Secret Relationship, various member/idol cameos
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-29
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:28:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 27,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26182702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/demonglass/pseuds/demonglass
Summary: In an industry intent on pulling them apart, Jaemin and Donghyuck do their best to hold on to each other.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Na Jaemin
Comments: 13
Kudos: 56





	1. this is me trying

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [penrose steps](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21910558) by [thereisnoreality](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thereisnoreality/pseuds/thereisnoreality). 



> [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2CkkOnLzIV9rf6BAMAyr0M?si=W2rujVRNTMSGuw7g6w70hg)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "and all the things I'd like to tell you  
> save it for another day  
> somewhere not so far, just for now  
> we'll shut those words away  
> and there you are, and there you were  
> you do your best or do your worst  
> all I want, all I need for now is you to save me"
> 
> \- january gloom, all time low

☆ JAEMIN ☆

_Jaemin meets Donghyuck when he’s eighteen._

_It’s his first big gig; Donghyuck’s too. They’re supporting characters, and they get to act alongside Jung Jaehyun - a child star who somehow never lost his footing in the industry - and Park Sooyoung - an up and coming actress who’s already stolen the hearts of half the country’s youth. It’s an incredible feeling, one that has Jaemin hooked from the very first day of shooting._

_He and Donghyuck play the two young camp counselors under the series’ leads, caught in a game of tug-of-war between Jaehyun and Sooyoung’s characters, all while secretly trying to figure out the truth behind the leads’ notorious rivalry. Later on, once they do learn the truth behind why the two seem to hate each other so much - something to do with a rocky past and an almost kiss - Jaemin and Donghyuck’s characters scheme together, attempting increasingly ridiculous plans to finally get the lead couple together._

_They film in the thick, muggy heat of summer, but Jaemin can’t bring himself to care. It’s his first true taste of what a real life in the industry could be like, and he can’t get enough._

_The drama is Donghyuck’s big break. It looks like it will be Jaemin’s as well._

_Things don’t quite go how they’re supposed to._

☆

The sky is still dark when Jaemin drags himself out of bed. His curtains are thin, cheap, and streetlight filters through into his room. It casts the walls and floor in shades of yellow-gray, like a faded old photo print. A world of sepia tone.

It’s too early to be up yet, especially considering the hour Jaemin had gotten back to his apartment the night before, but the world waits for no one. Jaemin knows this all too well. So he stumbles half blind across the short distance between his bed and bathroom door, and squints at the shadow of himself in the mirror. He doesn’t turn on the overhead light, brushes his teeth in the darkness by muscle memory, then bends over the sink and scrubs blindly at his face with icy water from the tap, shivering so hard that his teeth chatter. 

Another five minutes, and he’s out of the bathroom, bladder empty, face tingling from the cold of his moisturizer, smelling like the crisp cotton of his deodorant. He’s awake enough to pull on extra layers - a thick flannel over his sweatshirt, and a heavy coat on over that - before stuffing his half-charged phone in his pocket and heading for his front door. 

As he’s forcing his feet into his nicer pair of shoes, his phone blares in his pocket. A sigh slips from his lips as he straightens, arching his back to try and crack the stiffness from it. The sigh echoes in his apartment, before being drowned out by the incoming call ring once more. Jaemin grabs the bag with his script in it, then his keys from the hook by the door, and fishes his phone out of his pocket as he steps into the hall. 

“I’m here,” Doyoung announces, voice far too clear for the ungodly time day. 

“Coming,” Jaemin tells him, locking his apartment door behind himself. Doyoung makes a short sound of confirmation and ends the call just like that. Jaemin pockets his phone again and moves quickly down the hall, passing in and out of shadow as only half the lights are turned on so early in the morning. He makes it down the two flights of stairs to get to the ground floor and hurries out into the pale predawn light. Into the frigid cold, lashing his skin like a whip. 

Doyoung’s car is parked on the curb, just a few meters away, and Jaemin is quick to tug open the closest door and slip inside. He slams the door shut as soon as he hits the backseat, dropping his bag on the floor and letting out a breath of relief at the warmth that greets him. 

“You’ve looked better,” Doyoung notes, meeting his eyes in the rearview mirror.

Jaemin sags against the seat and looks away so he can’t see Doyoung watching him in that ever-calculating way of his. “I’ve felt better,” he says, buckling himself in.

Doyoung gives him a look that's probably meant to be disapproving, but comes off as more concerned than anything. "We'll be there in about an hour," he tells Jaemin.

"Okay," Jaemin says. "Can I charge my phone?"

Doyoung holds his hand out in answer, and Jaemin passes him the phone from his pocket. He watches Doyoung plug it into the charging cord at the front of the car before letting his eyes fall shut. A part of him whispers that he should review his scripts again, but he'd poured over them the night before on the bus back to his apartment, and as Doyoung shifts out of park and the car begins to roll down the road, Jaemin knows he's exhausted enough that he won't be able to stay awake even if he tries.

"I'll wake you up when we're almost there," Doyoung says, as if he already knows. He probably does.

Jaemin mutters a quiet thanks and is dead to the world within minutes.

☆

True to his word, Doyoung’s voice rouses Jaemin from his sleep just under an hour later. As Jaemin cracks his eyes open and twists his neck to try and work out the kinks in it, he can see through the car windows that the sky has turned blush pink, and the sun is clawing at the horizon, blazing red fingers reaching out to wake the rest of the world.

Jaemin takes a minute to admire the view through the cracks between the buildings they drive past. It's not as pretty a sight as he’d grown up with back home, but Jaemin spends enough time cooped up indoors, staring at bright lights and blank walls and the empty, unforgiving eye of a camera, to know how to appreciate any beautiful sight offered to him. 

Besides, the sun makes him think of Donghyuck, and these cold days, he'll take any hint of warmth he can get.

"It looks like we're running ahead of schedule," Doyoung says, stealing Jaemin's attention away. “We’ll be early.”

"You could drive slower," Jaemin suggests. He doesn't look for Doyoung's reaction, instead bending over and retrieving the script from his bag. Reviewing will keep him busy, keep him focused and awake.

"We could get breakfast." Doyoung says it with such a neutral tone that Jaemin thinks he's joking.

"Sure, hyung," Jaemin says with a halfhearted laugh, not taking his eyes off his script.

Doyoung doesn't respond, but Jaemin hadn't expected him to; he mouths his lines as he reads them through, and pays it no mind.

Five minutes later, though, the car rolls to a stop, and Jaemin looks up to find them in a drive through line. He blinks in surprise. "Hyung?"

Doyoung twists in his seat, facing Jaemin. "You look like you're a couple hours from death, Jaemin-ah. If I bring you in like this, someone will have my neck. What do you want?"

Jaemin stares at him. He barely registers that what Doyoung has said is just slightly insulting, focused more on the fact that it's probably true, and that Doyoung noticed. Jaemin is used to being managed - it's Doyoung's job and it's what he's good at - but this feels less like being managed and more like something dangerously close to being cared for. It makes his chest tighten, makes it a bit hard to breathe, and when he opens his mouth to give Doyoung an answer, he can't seem to find the words.

The line moves ahead, and Doyoung looks away to follow the car in front of them. Jaemin swallows and comes to his senses. He gives Doyoung his order, the first, cheapest thing he can think of, and Doyoung nods in acknowledgement. He doesn't say anything more, so Jaemin locks his eyes back on his script and lets the silence hang.

When it comes time to order, Jaemin hears Doyoung recite what he'd asked for, then list off his own. He keeps himself focused on his script while Doyoung pays, and all the way until the crinkling of a takeaway bag fills the car.

Doyoung passes the bag straight back to Jaemin, and he takes it, murmuring his thanks. "Eat as much as you want," Doyoung says, turning back to driving. "You have about ten minutes."

"Don't worry, hyung, I won't touch your breakfast," Jaemin assures him, pulling only his wrapped package out of the bag.

At this, Doyoung _laughs_. "Jaemin-ah, have whatever you want. You look like a ghost about to keel over."

"But-"

"But you're filming for ten hours today," Doyoung cuts him off. "Eat."

Jaemin bites his tongue and nods, though Doyoung's eyes are on the road and he can't see. "Thank you," he says, hoping he can blame the softness of his voice on the hour, on his sleep-addled brain.

"It's my job," Doyoung says.

It sounds like it's supposed to be something close to a joke, but Jaemin knows there's truth to it. He is Doyoung's job. It's the only reason Doyoung is with him. Jaemin presses his lips together, unwraps his breakfast. "Still," he mutters, "thanks."

Eyes on his food, he doesn't see the smile that ghosts across Doyoung's lips. Doesn't see the hint of sadness in it. 

By the time they reach the film site, Jaemin has scarfed down the food he’d asked for, as well as some of the extras Doyoung had gotten for him. He probably eats too fast, but it’s not like he has time to go slowly and properly digest, and he figures it’s a lesser evil to have his stomach ache from being filled too quickly than from the sharp hollowness of hunger that usually grips him in the mornings.

Doyoung parks and passes Jaemin his phone, fully charged. He starts rattling off instructions and notes on Jaemin’s schedule for the day, and Jaemin clambers out of the car after him, nodding dutifully. The cold only bites for a minute before they step into the building together and a wave of heat smacks into them. Jaemin sheds his coat, and before he can look for a place to store it, Doyoung is reaching out a hand to take it. 

Jaemin can barely get a simple thanks off his tongue before one of the stylists pounces on him and drags him off to a makeup counter surrounded by bright white lights, depositing him in a chair so she can cover up the shadows and blemishes in his skin. She _tsks_ at him, at how the bags beneath his eyes are still steadily darkening with every day. It’s only the third morning of a week long shoot, but she’s already fed up with him. 

Jaemin starts to think that maybe he should have gotten a better look at himself in the mirror earlier. He tries not to - is too used to not liking what he sees anymore - but with first Doyoung and now this, he wonders if maybe things have gone from bad to worse. He doesn’t like the thought.

There’s no chance to dwell on it though, because he gets swept up in the production and for hours, stops thinking about being Na Jaemin, starts focusing on the cool, collected character he’s bringing to life from the pages of a popular webtoon. It’s easier. 

He finds that no matter the character, nowadays, he likes being them more than himself - every time.

☆

Just after sunset, Doyoung drops Jaemin off at his apartment building again. Jaemin thanks him, as always, and braves the bitter cold of night in between the car and the lobby door. Inside, it’s nowhere near as warm as Doyoung keeps his car, but any heat at all is a relief from the wind outside, so Jaemin relishes in it. 

He treks upstairs, tries to return the smile of his neighbor when she passes him, unlocks his door, and is greeted by the stale, cold air of his apartment. The building doesn’t heat the hallways, but even those are somehow warmer than what greets Jaemin every night. He keeps his coat wrapped tightly around himself as he kicks off his shoes and walks the short distance to the hanger where he stores his uniform in between shifts. As quickly as he can, he sheds his layers and changes, before tugging all the outer layers right back on to try and stop his trembling.

Jaemin is barely in the apartment for ten minutes, pausing only to scour his near-barren kitchenette for food, finding a not quite expired energy bar for his troubles. Then, chewing the last bite of the bar, Jaemin is tugging on his old work sneakers and slipping out the door again. 

He catches the bus at the far corner of his street, and reviews his lines for the next day until his stop nears, then slips his script back into his bag and stands to get off. From the bus stop, it’s a five minute walk under street lamps and past brightly lit shop fronts to get to the convenience store. 

Jaemin stuffs his hands deep into his pockets as he approaches, trying hard not to think about the exhaustion already clinging to him, bone-deep and weighing him down with each step he takes. This is his last shift of the week, though, so the knowledge that after this he’ll be free for a few days pushes him forward, lifts his hand to the smudged glass door and gives him the strength to pull it open. 

Besides, it doesn’t matter how tired he is- he needs this job. Needs the bi-weekly paychecks to send back home for his mother, no matter how meager they may be. So Jaemin steps into the store, flinching under the harsh ring of the bell, and nods to the girl behind the counter who he’s replacing. He tries for a smile, but the girl barely spares him a second glance. She’s in university and she doesn’t care about much of anything, and Jaemin can’t really blame her.

And he needs this job, so he endures. Four hours of manning the checkout and sneaking glances at his phone when the store is empty (there’s still no new texts from Donghyuck, but Jaemin tries not to think about it). Four hours of mopping the floors after a rowdy group of teenagers track in mud and tuning out the sound of a couple’s hushed argument two aisles down from the register. Four hours and then Jaemin is free to brave the harsh wind outside while he waits for his bus, free to bury himself in his script on the way back to his apartment, free to collapse face first into his old, creaking mattress, wet hair from a quick, cold shower that’s still sending shivers down his spine, and pass out until morning comes and he can do it all over again. 

☆

_The first time Jaemin sets foot on the campground they'll be filming in for the summer, he falls in love. From the grass and gravel parking lot, he can see the dining hall - a long building made of dark wood, cut through with huge windows that seem to glitter in the sunlight - a tall, western-style house - all faded white paint that's probably peeling up close, with a proper porch leading to the front door - and what he assumes is the first of many cabins. Everywhere he looks, there are reaching pines and thick, old oak trees, and past that, all he can see is the great wide sky, so bright and blue it almost hurts to look at._

_He takes a deep breath, breathing in the smell of late spring wind and earth and lake water. He feels like the luckiest person in the world._

_"Come on, Jaemin-ah," his manager calls to him, already a few meters out from the car, walking towards the house where they're meant to meet with some of the cast and crew._

_"Sorry, Seungwan-noona," he says, hurrying ahead to keep pace with her. She's much shorter than he is, but she moves with so much purpose that Jaemin often straggles behind. Despite his efforts to focus and keep up, he's still distracted by the scenery, by the wild grass and the well-trodden paths curling away from the main buildings and disappearing into the woods. He can't wait to see the rest of the camp._

_But before all that, he has a job to do, people to meet and greet. He follows Seungwan up the porch steps to the house, the wood creaking slightly underfoot, and they step into the sweet relief of air conditioning, closing the front door to trap the heat and humidity outside._

_They're met by a room full of people, mostly crew members Jaemin has never seen before, but there are cast members mingling about too, and it's a relief to see some familiar faces. The leads don't seem to have arrived yet, which relieves Jaemin further- at the first table read, he'd barely been able to breathe knowing that_ the _Jung Jaehyun was just a few chairs away from him, delivering lines that he, Na Jaemin, got to respond to. It was a surreal experience, sitting at the same table as someone he'd grown up seeing on the television, and though he'd recovered from the initial shock by the end of the first day, there's still a twisty, fluttery feeling in his stomach at the thought of seeing Jaehyun again._

_Jaemin is saved from this precarious train of thought by movement catching his eye. Across the room, there's a hand waving him over. "Jaemin-ssi!"_

_He recognizes that voice, and grins. Seungwan shoots him a look, but doesn't say anything as he peels away from her side and hurries across the room._

_"Donghyuck-ssi," he says, still grinning when he reaches him._

_"What's up?" Donghyuck asks, matching Jaemin's grin. He's leaning against the wall, right next to a window, so the sunlight catches on his left cheek and makes him shine. His manager is speaking with one of the staff members a couple meters away, glancing over at them every couple seconds like he needs to make sure Donghyuck isn't getting into any mischief._

_Jaemin shrugs, leaning against the wall on the other side of the window, angling his head towards Donghyuck. "Not much. We just got here."_

_"I can see that," Donghyuck says._

_Jaemin makes a face at him and lets his eyes wander across the room, looking at everyone milling about- probably waiting for the stars of the show to arrive. "I can't believe we're really filming here. It's so cool."_

_Donghyuck lets out a light laugh. "You love bugs and sweating and sunburns that much?"_

_Jaemin reaches out to swat Donghyuck's shoulder. "Not that, obviously. Just like... all the trees and nature and everything? It feels so much more real than being stuck inside a studio."_

_Donghyuck hums, considering this. "I guess," he says, "I'm not totally convinced. If the weather is already like this in May I don't even want to think about what it'll be like in August."_

_He has a point, but Jaemin can't bring himself to care. If reality does end up setting in later, maybe he'll have to admit that Donghyuck is right, but for now, he lets excitement pool in his gut and just takes it all in with a smile. "At least there's air-con, and a lake."_

_"I think this is the only building with it," Donghyuck says. "And maybe the dining hall. I got here early and wandered around a bit and that’s what it seems like." When Jaemin frowns at this, Donghyuck relents. "The lake does seem sick though. I saw canoes and shit in a shed on the beach. You think they'll let us go out on them?"_

_"Dunno," Jaemin says, "but we have scenes on the water, don't we?"_

_Donghyuck scrunches up his face, trying to remember. "I think so," he says slowly. "Mostly it's Jaehyun-sunbae and Sooyoung-sunbae; they have that almost kiss before they fall into the lake, right?"_

_Jaemin snaps his fingers, "I do remember that, yeah. But we definitely go out there too at some point."_

_"I'll take your word for it," Donghyuck says, and they fall silent, observing the room together._

_After a minute, Jaemin asks, "Why does your manager keep giving you the stink eye?"_

_Donghyuck laughs, full and bright. "Johnny-hyung's still mad I ran off earlier. He thinks I'm going to cause trouble again."_

_Jaemin finds himself grinning once more. "Are you?"_

_"Haven't decided yet," Donghyuck answers, "I don't want to make a bad first impression, but I love keeping him on his toes.”_

_"You guys must be close," Jaemin says, thinking of the way they'd walked into the table read together, Donghyuck practically glued to Johnny's side until he got to his seat._

_"I guess," Donghyuck says, like it's supposed to be dismissive, but his smile softens with fondness. "Don't go spreading that around though. It'd give him a big head. Well, bigg_ er _."_

_Jaemin snickers, then bites down on the inside of his cheek to try and quell the laughter when Johnny catches him looking his way. "Your secret's safe with me."_

_Donghyuck turns that sugar sweet smile on Jaemin and winks. "Glad I can count on you." He lifts a hand to pat Jaemin's shoulder, the contact brief, but enough to draw Jaemin in. "I can tell we're gonna get along great."_

☆

When the scene Jaemin and his costar are filming wraps right before lunch, Jaemin turns to go scour the set building for a corner to tuck himself away in while he eats the food that’s been prepared for the cast. Before he can leave the room, though, a hand catches his forearm and stops him in his tracks.

"Jaemin-ssi," his costar, Choi Yoojung, says, "I was wondering if you wanted to have lunch with me."

Jaemin turns to her, trying to keep his face neutral, though he's sure some of his surprise seeps through. "Really?" They've been filming together for four days now, and their interactions have, for the most part, been strictly professional.

Nevertheless, Yoojung smiles, and it seems genuine. "Yeah," she says, "I thought it would be nice to talk, get to know each other a little bit? You seem like you've got a lot going on behind all of _this_ -" she gestures in the general area of his face "-and I've been told I am infuriatingly nosy sometimes."

This startles a laugh out of Jaemin, and before he knows it, he's agreeing.

Yoojung claps her hands together, clearly pleased. "Great. I know a good spot here."

Jaemin raises his brows, and she laughs.

"I went around exploring the first day because we were so early. Got a little lost, but it all worked out. Grab your lunch and I'll show you around."

Jaemin can only nod and walk off to find Doyoung and his food. He can't help but think, all of a sudden, of an old memory, of another pretty smiling face.

"You making friends?" Doyoung asks as he approaches, drawing him back to the present.

Jaemin tries for a glare, but it falls flat, and Doyoung visibly stifles a chuckle.

"Here's your food," Doyoung relents, passing him an opaque plastic bag.

"Thanks," Jaemin sighs, before turning away to find Yoojung waiting for him near one of the doors leading out into the hall. He does his best not to brace himself for whatever is coming, tries to keep an open mind about the whole thing, and follows Yoojung out.

She leads them down a few winding halls, past countless members of the crew, until they end up in a part of the building that seems more deserted.

"You're not taking me somewhere to kill me, right?" Jaemin asks. "Wouldn't it be smarter to wait until after we've finished shooting?"

Yoojung laughs. "Obviously nothing like that. I'm hurt you think I'd commit such a sloppy, ill-planned crime."

"But not that I think you'd actually try to kill me?"

She shrugs. "That's more of a dig at my personality, I think, and I'm used to people not really vibing with it, so I don't mind so much. Digging my intelligence though... that one gets me."

"Noted," Jaemin says. "For what it's worth, I know you're smart as hell. You memorize your scripts faster than anyone else I know."

Yoojung sends him another bright smile. "Thank you. It's 'cause I'm used to memorizing lyrics."

"Right. That makes sense." Yoojung is a member of a popular girl group, and has been in music much longer than she's been in acting. It's easy to forget, though, with how much of a natural knack she has for this. "What's it like?" Jaemin asks. "Switching from singing and performing to this?"

Yoojung hums, thinking. "It's fun," she says. "Definitely different, but at the same time, it's more similar that I expected. Performing on stage is like... you have to prepare for ages and it takes everything you've got, but it's so worth it when you can just look out and see people right there in front of you cheering you on and everything. I guess that acting is more like... delayed gratification, because you have to really wait to see how people receive your work."

Jaemin nods along to show that he's following.

"But they're the same in the sense that you're telling a story, becoming a different person for a little while to make the story richer- adopting a concept and all that. I guess I don't _really_ know how it is outside of short shoots like this, but it always seemed to me like you could get some of the same closeness with the people you work with that you get in music. Obviously not quite the same since it's not one set team that you stick with forever, but if you're together for long enough, you can still form those kinds of bonds right?"

Jaemin can't tell if she's really asking him or if it's a rhetorical question.

His question is answered quickly when Yoojung asks, "You were on a long shoot drama a couple years ago, yeah? _Under the Summer Sun_? Am I just talking out of my ass or can you really make close friends with the people you work with?"

Jaemin swallows, glad Yoojung's eyes are fixed ahead. "Yeah," he murmurs, "you definitely can."

"I knew it!" Yoojung snaps her fingers, then glances back at Jaemin. "I actually watched some of the behind the scenes stuff from that drama back when it was airing. It seemed like the cast all really clicked. It's cool that you really did and it wasn't all just for the cameras."

"Yeah." Jaemin gives her a smile, tries his best to keep any strain from showing in it. "We all got along really well."

"Nice," Yoojung says, but some of the sparkle seems to have faded from her voice at Jaemin's restrained reaction, and Jaemin suppresses a cringe.

They lapse into silence while Yoojung takes them up a flight of stairs, then another, until they come out on the top floor of the building.

"It's just over here," Yoojung says, and then she throws open a door to reveal an empty room, the far wall almost completely covered in windows.

"Woah," Jaemin breathes at the sight of the sprawling city and sky. They're high enough that he can actually see the roofs of some buildings, and most of the sky isn't obscured by anything but the usual haze in the air. It's just past midday, so the sun is high, and even though it's buried behind a thick layer of clouds, the brightness seeps through. It's a definite improvement from the view of the walls he's been eating with for the past few days, better than anything he sees most days.

"Yeah," Yoojung says in a similar tone.

They settle down in the middle of the open floor, digging into their bags for their food. After a few bites, Jaemin starts to feel awkward about the silence. "So, um," he starts eloquently, "you wanted to talk? Or something?"

"Right," Yoojung says, shoving a fallen piece of lettuce into her mouth and chewing thoughtfully. "I was just curious how you got here."

"My manager drove me." 

Yoojung glares at him, but somehow she makes the gesture feel warm, familiar. She seems to have that kind of way with people. 

"Do you mean like how I got this role?” Jaemin asks. “I'm pretty sure my auditions went about the same as yours."

"I guess my question's a little bit personal, so I don't really know how to phrase it," Yoojung explains.

"Oh." Jaemin looks down at his lunch and his stomach twists. He has an idea of where this is going.

"You obviously don't have to tell me anything," Yoojung says quickly, "I really am just curious, but if it's none of my business, it's none of my business."

Jaemin takes a breath and tries to will the tension out of his body. "Shoot," he says.

Yoojung purses her lips. "I was just wondering why you went on hiatus after _Under the Summer Sun_ finished airing. I think I said, but I was a fan of the show, so I kept up with a lot of the news about the cast at the time, and there was never really any explanation for why you kind of vanished- just that statement about you leaving your company and taking a break. I guess I was always curious why."

"Yeah," Jaemin sighs, "I guess I did kind of just disappear. I didn't think there were really any people that would notice."

Yoojung tries for a smile, but it comes off a bit sad.

"I didn't plan on leaving, I guess that might be obvious," Jaemin says. "I had some personal stuff that kind of came out of nowhere at the time, and my company wouldn't let me leave to deal with it all because they wanted to capitalize on the success of the drama, so basically I had to leave the company for good in order to go back home. It wasn't really... it wasn't how I wanted things to go, but that's what happened. The industry doesn't like to wait, I guess. But you know that already, I'm sure."

"Oh," Yoojung says. "Yeah. I'm sorry."

Jaemin shrugs, trying for nonchalance. "My company now is better, I think. Smaller, but their contract was pretty good, comparatively."

"That's good," Yoojung nods. "Are you?"

"Sorry?" Jaemin asks.

"Are you better?" Yoojung clarifies, and there's a genuineness in her face when she asks that catches Jaemin a bit off guard.

"Oh." He looks down at his hands for a moment, before meeting Yoojung's eyes again. "The stuff with my family's all sorted now. As sorted as it can be, I guess."

"I see," Yoojung says in a voice that makes Jaemin think she really does see- sees that he's dodged the question to the best of his ability. But she doesn't push it. "Well that's good to hear." She takes another bite of her lunch, lettuce crunching between her teeth, and Jaemin decides to follow her lead.

They eat in relative silence for another few minutes- Yoojung looking like she's processing and trying to come up with a safer route of conversation, and Jaemin hoping he's said enough to sate her curiosity without airing all his dirty laundry right out in the open for her to see. She doesn't seem like the type to really scrutinize or judge, but Jaemin figures it's better to be safe than sorry.

"You having a comeback sometime soon?" Jaemin asks when he finishes off his food, figuring getting Yoojung talking is the best way to ensure he doesn't have to say much more. (And because he _might_ be a bit of a fan of her group's music.)

Yoojung throws a hand up over her mouth to cover a laugh. "A scoop for a scoop, huh?"

Jaemin shrugs, half a smile on his lips.

Yoojung swallows her food and lets her hand fall back to her lap. "I'll tell you if you can tell me what our last title track was," she says.

Jaemin cracks a full smile at this. He surprises Yoojung by listing off all her group’s titles, in order, and she laughs with bright satisfaction, then leans forward to tell him in a conspiratorial voice that they've started preparing for a late spring comeback - that it's going to be a full album this time.

"You'd better not leak this," she says after Jaemin reacts with an appropriate gasp.

Jaemin places a hand over his heart. "Absolutely not," he promises.

"Good," Yoojung says, satisfied by his answer. "Because I've been dying to talk about it with someone who's not my members or family." She launches into a long speech about album preparations, and leads the conversation for the entire rest of their lunch break.

By the end of it, Jaemin has managed to tamp down the tight, twisted feeling in his gut. He finds that he really enjoys Yoojung's company, her presence outside of acting in scenes together. It's a nice change of pace to head back to filming together, chatting absently, rather than slipping back to the set after spending half an hour hiding in some corner and being antisocial.

Though Jaemin knows it's not something he could do over and over again - giving up what little personal time he has in each day would be giving up one of the few comforts allowed to him in this life, and that's not something he's eager to do - he's not too worried about throwing off his usual routines, since there are only a few days of shooting left anyway. So he lets himself appreciate, actually enjoy the slight change of pace, even if it's just for one day. As much as he needs time to recharge his social battery every day, he could probably stand to have a few actual friends as well.

He decides then, that he'll try to come out of his shell a bit more, try not to appear so closed off to the people around him. It wouldn't kill him, he tells himself, to bring back a hint of his old energy. To be a bit more like he used to be, before. 

He'll try, he promises himself. He'll try.

☆

_At the end of the first day on set for their drama, after they've had all their meetings in the main house and everyone has been introduced to everyone else (Jaemin still can't believe Jung Jaehyun has looked him in the eye and addressed him by name more than once!) the cast are all released, free to do what they want to prepare for the next day - when shooting officially starts._

_Jaemin plans on trying to convince Seungwan to let him wander around and explore the campgrounds, but Donghyuck gets to him before he can get to Seungwan._

_"Jaemin-ssi," Donghyuck says, sidling up to Jaemin where he stands eyeing his manager, caught in the middle of a seemingly important discussion with someone from the crew._

_Jaemin turns to Donghyuck, curious. "Yeah?"_

_"Wanna ditch the suits and go explore?" Donghyuck asks, and there's this gleam in his eyes like he already knows what Jaemin’s answer will be._

_Jaemin glances back to Seungwan, still talking with one of the female staff members, then searches the room for Donghyuck's manager, Johnny, who he finds standing a few meters away, typing furiously on his phone. A quick scan of the room tells him that most of the other cast members have headed out already, and a light, almost giddy feeling rises in his chest. He looks to Donghyuck again and nods, a secretive smile playing on his lips, like they're plotting some great act of rebellion and not just walking out into the early evening air._

_Donghyuck mirrors his smile, and together they slip past their distracted managers and out of the house. They’re greeted by a much milder temperature than Jaemin had expected, as the heat seems to have drained from the air with the setting of the sun, leaving everything surprisingly pleasant. The porch steps creak underfoot on the way down just like they did on the way up, and for some reason, it makes laughter bubble in Jaemin's stomach._

_"How long do you think we have before one of them realizes we're gone?" Donghyuck asks, already leading the way down one of the dirt paths towards the woods._

_Jaemin shrugs. "I think it matters more how long it takes one of them to actually find us."_

_Donghyuck's eyes gleam in the porch light, and even though the sun has just set, there's something about him that seems to radiate the same golden glow. "I knew I was gonna like you, Jaemin-ssi. I_ knew _it."_

_Jaemin feels a strange pride pool in the pit of his stomach, and he smiles widely. "Thanks, Donghyuck-ssi."_

_The dirt crunches under their shoes as they hurry down the path, trying to put as much distance between themselves and their managers as quickly as they can. The whole affair makes Jaemin want to giggle like a school kid, but he resists the urge in favor of ensuring he doesn't fall too far behind Donghyuck as they walk._

_"You can just call me Donghyuck," Donghyuck says after a minute of silence, cut through only by their footsteps and the soft sounds of slowly waking night life all around them._

_Jaemin had half expected this, but it still makes him grin a little wider. "You can call me Jaemin," he offers in return._

_"Cool," Donghyuck says. "Friends, then."_

_"Yeah," Jaemin echoes, "friends."_

_Donghyuck leads them off the main path, down a thinner one, with grass crawling in around the edges, and Jaemin almost asks where they're going when he hears the faint sound of water lapping against shore._

_"Water's dangerous in the dark," he says, though he continues following Donghyuck towards the lake. They've left behind the buildings, and to both their left and right, trees block out most of the light of the indigo dusk. Jaemin can see Donghyuck only by the rising moon, and the first few stars sparkling high above them, and he's slightly faded, like an old photograph never fully developed._

_"We're not going in the water, or too close to it, don't worry," Donghyuck assures him. "I don't wanna die the day before my first drama with_ the _Jung Jaehyun and Park Sooyoung, trust me."_

_"You that confident you'll have a second?" Jaemin asks._

_Donghyuck laughs. "If I didn't believe in myself, I wouldn't be here."_

_Jaemin whistles lowly. "I don't know if you're cocky or on the road to motivational speaking."_

_"Why can't I be both?" Donghyuck asks. "But I prefer confident over cocky. Cocky makes it seem like it's baseless."_

_Jaemin can't help the laugh that bursts from him. "You're funny," he tells Donghyuck._

_Donghyuck slows and turns to scowl at him, only for his face to clear when he realizes that Jaemin really means it. He faces forwards again with a huff. "Thank you."_

_"Anytime," Jaemin says._

_They fall silent again until the dirt path grows sandy, and the trees thin, ultimately falling away completely to reveal the lake tucked away like its own little pocket of the world. Jaemin's mouth drops open at the sight._

_The lake is wide and almost perfectly still at the center; it appears to be a great, inky mirror, reflecting the sky overhead. There on the edge of the water, Jaemin can see a soft double of the waxing moon, blurred edges, but just as bright. Scattered across the surface of the water are speckles of light, pinprick stars that look like they've fallen from the sky and landed right before Jaemin's eyes._

_Jaemin is honestly speechless, not sure any words he can think of would do the sight justice. Donghyuck seems to feel the same, because he remains silent as well, and the two of them simply stand a meter apart and stare out at the water and darkening sky._

_Jaemin thinks he could stay there like that for hours, but the universe seems to have other plans. Little more than three silent minutes pass before there’s a loud buzzing sound from Donghyuck’s direction, slightly muffled, but still enough to disrupt the pristine feeling that has settled over the two of them._

_“Ah,” Donghyuck says ruefully, “that’s my keeper.” He pulls his vibrating phone out of his pocket and Jaemin can see the shadow of him holding it to his ear. “Don’t blow a gasket on me,” he says as soon as he’s answered the call, “I didn’t go far.” He grows quiet for a moment, then whines, “I am not_ corrupting _him! He wanted to look around too! And they never said we couldn’t!”_

_Jaemin stifles a laugh._

_“I could just make you come find me again,” Donghyuck says indignantly. “Imagine if you had to put on your resume that you lost a charge in the woods in the middle of the night because you didn’t want to scuff up your nice shoes.”_

_Barely ten seconds after Donghyuck’s joking(?) threat, he lets out a low, defeated curse at whatever his manager has said. “Fine,” he concedes, “I’ll be back in five.” A pause. “_ Yes _, I’ll bring him with me! Why would I leave him here?” Another pause, and then Donghyuck huffs and stuffs his phone back into his pocket._

_Donghyuck turns, and Jaemin can just make out the regretful grin on Donghyuck’s face. “Party’s over,” he says._

_“Kind of heard as much,” Jaemin tells him. “It was nice while it lasted.”_

_“Yeah. Thanks for coming out with me. Maybe next time we’ll be able to ditch for longer.”_

_“That would be cool,” Jaemin says. “I’m sure we’ll get lucky one of these days. We’ve got the whole summer, after all.”_

_Something sparks in Donghyuck’s eyes, bright enough that Jaemin can see it even in the near darkness. “Yeah, you’re right,” he says. “We’ve got the whole summer together.” He steps forward and touches Jaemin’s arm for half a second. His hand is warm through Jaemin’s shirt. “It’s gonna be great.”_

☆

By the time filming for the web drama wraps, Jaemin feels like his breaths are coming to him with a bit more ease than before. The two day break from his night job at the convenience store had given him the opportunity to catch up on dearly needed sleep, and it shows on his face, in his body. On the fifth day of shooting, he gets positive feedback from the director, and it invigorates his performances for the rest of the week.

He and Yoojung talk more behind the cameras too, when they’re not acting through a tedious fight born from their characters’ terrible communication skills, or leaning in for (frankly embarrassing) almost-kisses that they dodge at the last moment because the director says they’ll fade to black right before the characters’ lips touch anyway. It’s a bit awkward, but Yoojung laughs it off easily, so Jaemin does his best to do the same. When the cameras aren’t rolling, they talk mostly about trivial things, or about Yoojung’s life when she feels like sharing, but Jaemin doesn’t mind, because a friendly face and easy laughter have been sorely missing in his life for a while, and they’re more than welcome now.

On the last day, Yoojung gives Jaemin her number, and a side hug that - except for the fact that she’s a full seventeen centimeters shorter than him - feels just like all the friendly half-hugs he used to get from acquaintances in school. 

“Don’t be a stranger,” she laughs at the mild shock on Jaemin’s face in response to the gesture. “I’ll be cheering on your next project for sure!”

“You too,” Jaemin says as earnestly as he can. “Good luck on your comeback!”

Yoojung grins up at him and thanks him with a brightness Jaemin finds himself a bit envious of. Nevertheless, he appreciates Yoojung's warm personality, and respects her for being so open in an industry like theirs. He even thinks that maybe they're friends now- or could be in the future, if they meet again. It’s better than he’d dared to hope for. It's nice.

Shooting for the mini web series wraps with everyone in high spirits, and Jaemin allows himself to share the satisfaction, as well as the relief that everything had gone smoothly. It's a small project, will just be four episodes long, but Jaemin is grateful for it, for the opportunity and the experience. He's proud, too, though that's a thought he keeps to himself.

When he leaves the set building for the last time, Doyoung driving silently in the seat in front of him, Jaemin feels a warmth that grows from within himself, rather than wrapping around him from the outside. He clutches tightly to it all the way home.

☆

The thing Jaemin tends to forget about working on real projects is that the high never lasts. The whole week following the filming of the web series, he tries desperately to hold onto the feeling of satisfaction and purpose that comes along with a job done and done well, but it’s like trying to catch and cling to the wind. The comfort he’d wrapped himself up in following the end of filming thins and withers in the winter chill, until he’s left just the way he’d started- cold and alone.

The emptiness he’s left with eats away at him, and each day rolls into the next with little distinction. He wakes, and makes his way to the company building to train, to work on his pronunciation or accent or the English lessons the higher-ups insist he take. The hours pass in the stuffy heat of the rooms he holes up in, until it’s time to trek back to his apartment, change from one uniform to the next, and head to the convenience store. The heavy monotony digs its claws into him, weighing him down.

Unlike when he was on set and had scattered, simple conversations with staff and other cast members, Jaemin finds himself speaking less and less outside of his training or his brief interactions with customers at the store. If not for his across the hall neighbor, ever-friendly when they see each other by their doors or in the lobby, Jaemin might not have any warm conversations with anyone at all. 

Yoojung, to Jaemin’s surprise, actually texts him a few times. It’s just meaningless things to keep in touch, and he appreciates the gesture, he really does, but she’s not the one whose messages he’s waiting for. He always writes her back - a bit delayed, because sometimes it’s just _hard_ to work up the willpower to respond - but it’s not all that he’d hoped it would be.

He finds once again that none of his life is what he’d hoped for. Not _yet_ , at least, he has to tell himself to keep from giving up. He tells himself it won’t last like this forever, but so far it’s been nothing but treading water and fighting an uphill battle since he moved back to the city over a year ago.

There had been no triumphant return, no great applause as he’d slipped back into the entertainment scene. Jaemin had returned to this world, this work, this _life_ , and found that little of it looked familiar to him any longer. He’d started from the bottom again, and now each day he claws his way up. Every bit of progress and every small role is a stepping stone, but the river he's trying to cross seems to have turned into an ocean while he was away; there's no bank waiting on the other side, no island for sanctuary, for rest. It's just Jaemin, alone in the great wide sea, trying to stay afloat.

It gets hard to bear sometimes, but he’s got no choice except continuing forward down the path he’s chosen, down the path he’s trying desperately to remember how to love again. It’s all he knows, all he wants, and the only thing he’s any good at. So through it all, he carries on. 

☆

_The first week of shooting passes by in a blur of heat and excitement, the air smelling like sunscreen and summer and a coming rain._

_During one of Jaemin's breaks, while Jaehyun and Sooyoung are filming a scene together and the whole crew buzzes around them to make sure things run smoothly, Jaemin leaves the chaos behind in search of a quieter spot. He knows most of the paths around the campground by then; a week of filming has brought him around the camp many times, shown him places he never would have guessed could be used as proper sets. Even with his growing familiarity, though, the magic of the grounds doesn't fade, as he’d been told it would. Jaemin finds that knowing his way around does little to take away from the wonder the tall trees and deep woods inspire in him._

_So Jaemin ventures out regularly, whenever he has the chance, really. Seungwan chides him, saying there should be no rush to explore when they'll be there for four months, but he’s gotten fairly good at tuning it out. And as much as it irks Seungwan - who likes to keep things in clear, simple order - he's not technically doing anything wrong, so she lets him get away with it._ As long as you keep your phone on you and don't wander too far off _, she says each time he makes to leave the bustle of cast and crew behind, and he does._

_This brings Jaemin to the sandy beach of the lake. In the daylight, the water gleams, catching sunshine and throwing it back so that it nearly blinds Jaemin if he looks at it wrong. Across the lake, on the far side where the grounds aren’t blocked off for filming, Jaemin can just make out pinpricks that look like people, playing in the sand and enjoying the weather. Jaemin hasn’t been across the water yet, and he wonders how their side of the beach differs from his._

_While he tries to paint a picture of the far shore in his mind, he wanders onto the nearest dock that reaches out a dozen or so meters into the water. The wood is old and sun-bleached, and it groans softly as he walks across. The smell of the lake isn’t as strong as that of the sea, but it still catches in the breeze and sits on Jaemin’s tongue, fills his lungs. He inhales deeply, savoring it. After moving to the city, he’s grown too accustomed to the scent of burning concrete and gasoline, the stale, stuffy air that fills every building. This is a blissful reprieve._

_“Thinking of taking up fishing?” A familiar voice calls from somewhere behind him, somewhere still on the shore._

_Jaemin laughs. “I don’t even know if there are fish big enough to catch over here where the water is so shallow.”_

_“I can think of a way to find out,” Donghyuck jokes._

_“Ha ha. We’re never on break enough to actually sit down and fish anyway. Besides, I don’t like to get tied down like that. Fishing takes too much patience.”_

_The sound of Donghyuck’s shoes tapping on the dock reaches Jaemin’s ears, and he finds himself smiling. He’d come here to get away from the hustle and bustle, from all the people, but it’s funny how easily Donghyuck wormed his way into Jaemin’s comfort zone. He doesn’t mind the company at all._

_“Ants in your pants, huh?” Donghyuck says, drawing up beside Jaemin to look out at the water with him._

_“Something like that,” Jaemin shrugs. “What about you? You’re always on the move. You wander around this whole place like an animal in some nature documentary.”_

_“I’m a wild animal, huh,” Donghyuck snorts, “I have to admit, that’s a new one.”_

_“I didn’t mean it in a bad way,” Jaemin says, though he’s fairly sure there’s no real animosity in Donghyuck’s voice._

_“I believe you. And I get it- I just don’t want to miss anything, you know?”_

_“Yeah,” Jaemin hums. He understands well enough._

_Silence falls for a minute or two, and Jaemin thinks it’s surprisingly comfortable. He likes that about Donghyuck- how it’s just as easy to trade jokes back and forth as it is to let the quiet wash over them._

_As far into the lake as they are, the water is almost too dark to see into. Sunlight cuts through it and illuminates the top layer, but what lies at the bottom is a mystery. There haven’t been any scenes on the water yet - not that Jaemin had expected them so soon - and it gives the lake a sense of mystery that sets Jaemin’s veins thrumming with anticipation. He wants to wade through the shallows and into the deeper waters, see what lies beyond the surface. He can’t wait to get out on a paddle board or a kayak and drift all the way to the center of the lake and watch the rest of the world fall away, made small by distance._

_“You think really loudly, you know that?” Donghyuck says to break the silence._

_Jaemin startles just a bit, not expecting it. A few meters away, something breaks the surface of the water for a millisecond and flicks up a tiny splash._

_“I didn’t know, actually,” Jaemin admits. “Sorry?”_

_“Nothing to apologize for,” Donghyuck says. “‘S just interesting.”_

_Jaemin hums, considering this. “Can you hear what I’m thinking about?” He doesn’t look away from the water, but he can feel the weight of Donghyuck’s eyes fall on him._

_“You’re thinking about how when it’s hot as balls this summer, you’re gonna figure out a way to ‘accidentally’ fall into the water to cool off.”_

_This draws a surprised laugh out of Jaemin, and he glances towards Donghyuck to find him grinning, teeth flashing bright in the sun._

_“What? Did I nail it?” Donghyuck asks._

_“Honestly you weren’t too far off,” Jaemin admits._

_“Really?” Donghyuck whistles, clearly pleased._

_“I mean I totally wouldn’t ruin my costumes or anything, but I was thinking it’d be nice once we start filming on the water if they want to get some b-roll of everyone just goofing off and having a good time. I think it’d be really fun.”_

_“I think you just want to see some of the cast in swimsuits,” Donghyuck teases._

_Suddenly the sun burns against Jaemin’s skin. He scoffs to hide a splutter of indignation. “That’s a bold claim to make.”_

_“What can I say,” Donghyuck sighs, “I’m a bold guy.” He narrows his brows playfully at Jaemin. “And by the way, that wasn’t a no.”_

_Jaemin bites down on the inside of his cheek, not too hard, but enough to keep his face neutral. “Didn’t think I had to dignify it with a response.”_

_“Mhm, sure,” Donghyuck sings, “we can go with that.” As much as his tone would suggest otherwise, he seems to mean it, because his heavy gaze falls away from Jaemin and he looks out over the lake again, squinting at the far side. “Are there people over there?”_

_Jaemin nods, and just like that they slip into easy conversation again. Jaemin still doesn’t know what it is about Donghyuck - maybe that they’re the same age, or that they’re in similar positions - but there’s_ something _to him that Jaemin just_ likes _. There’s something about these odd, still moments with him, tucked between the usual chaos and noise of filming, that Jaemin is inexplicably fond of already, even though they often come at the expense of the quiet solitude he so often seeks._

_It’s strange and new, just like everything else on the campgrounds, but Jaemin gets the feeling the wonder of this won’t fade with time either. That maybe it’ll even grow._

☆

It’s early evening when Jaemin returns to his apartment after hours spent at his company’s building. The day had been hard - all language lessons, pronunciation and memorization that filtered poorly through his tired mind - and the only thing that had gotten him through it was the knowledge that he didn’t have a shift at the store later. He’s spent all day thinking about curling up in bed and closing his eyes and letting his mind wander to nicer things, maybe actually sleeping for once. 

After shedding his jeans in favor of thick old sweats, Jaemin is just tugging a second pair of socks on over his feet to combat the chill seeping up from the floor when a knock at the door startles him. He jumps, and knocks himself off balance, falling sideways into the edge of his bed. A curse tumbles from his lips as pain shoots up his side, but it’s nothing compared to walking into the bathroom door - which he’s done in the dark too many times to count - so he shakes it off and pushes himself right back up. 

He gets the last sock fitted properly over his right foot and lets out a breath. It’s probably Seojeong coming over to offer him food since she always makes too much when she has company over, or maybe to ask him to look after her cat again if she’s going out of town. Either way, it’s not something to ignore. He can put off his daydreaming a little while longer; he’s used to it. Jaemin glances down at what he’s wearing- now the sweats that are barely more than pajamas, and so many layers to ward off the cold that he honestly can’t tell how painfully thin he’s getting. It’ll have to do.

“Coming!” Jaemin calls as he pads over to the door. He doesn’t bother checking the peep-hole, since Seojeong is the only visitor he ever has who shows up without warning. Jaemin twists the knob and tugs the door open.

It’s not Seojeong’s petite form and bubbly-bright voice that greets him.

The visitor standing in the hall outside his door has on a black mask that covers half his face, has a beanie pulled down over his forehead, a sweatshirt hood over it, and a jacket hood tugged over _that_ for extra measure. Only his eyes and the highest point of his nose are visible, but Jaemin knows exactly who it is. He'd recognize those shining, smile-crinkled eyes anywhere.

“Donghyuck!” Jaemin’s reaching forward before he knows it, hands fisting in Donghyuck’s coat and dragging him inside, kicking the door shut too hard behind him, uncaring of the loud sound it makes.

Donghyuck stumbles eagerly into the apartment, tugging the mask down to his chin so Jaemin can see the full force of his grin. It makes something sharp and hot flare up in Jaemin's chest, and he can't stop himself from diving forward, throwing his arms around Donghyuck's shoulders and clutching him tight enough to knock the air from his lungs.

" _Donghyuck_ ," he half cries again, pressing into Donghyuck's body, trying to feel the warmth of his skin under all those layers. "I can't believe you're _here_ \- I mean- I haven't heard from you in almost two weeks."

Donghyuck catches Jaemin's weight and wraps his arms around Jaemin's waist, holding him just as tightly. "I know," he breathes quickly, "I'm so sorry, Jaemin. I broke my stupid phone literally the _day_ we got to Manila, and they packed our schedules so much I couldn't bring it to a store to get it fixed until I got back home today. It was all so busy I felt like I could barely breathe. It was hell." He squeezes Jaemin's middle in apology. "I missed you so much, baby."

Jaemin's eyes burn and he buries his face in Donghyuck's neck, glad they’re the same height thanks to the boost provided by Donghyuck's shoes. "I missed you too, Hyuck. So fucking much."

Donghyuck lets out a thick laugh and spins them around once, almost like he wants to dance. They fall still again though, and Jaemin thinks they can save dancing for later, for another day.

Jaemin pulls back long enough to get a good look at Donghyuck's face - red cheeks creased by exhaustion, shining eyes shadowed by dark circles - and knows Donghyuck is just as tired as he is. There's a sense of satisfaction to Donghyuck's though, and Jaemin years to remember what it feels like.

Donghyuck meets his eyes and sees something in them. He pulls Jaemin closer again, into a kiss that snatches all the air out of Jaemin's lungs. It's freezing in his apartment, but in Donghyuck's arms he can't help but melt a little, softening against his body as Donghyuck's tongue runs over his lower lip.

When Donghyuck breaks away to breathe, his chest heaves, and Jaemin's heart races. "I've been waiting to do that since the second I left," Donghyuck murmurs, the words hot against Jaemin's mouth.

Jaemin leans in to press another, softer kiss to the corner of Donghyuck's lips. "Me too," he breathes.

"You don't have to go back to the company today, right?" Donghyuck asks, hands gripping Jaemin's waist in a way that makes his heart jump into his throat, even after all this time.

Jaemin shakes his head, thanks his lucky stars that he doesn't have a shift at the convenience store later either.

Donghyuck's eyes are dark in the poorly lit room, but when he smiles, it's impossibly bright. He kicks his shoes off without looking away from Jaemin. "I don't have any schedules 'til day after tomorrow," he says. "They're letting me rest after all that craziness."

"That's thoughtful," Jaemin mutters, backing them up from the door, leading them blindly towards his bed.

"Mm," Donghyuck hums following Jaemin, arms still secured around him.

Jaemin's legs hit the edge of his mattress, and this time it doesn't hurt at all. His hands drop down to Donghyuck's chest, and he makes Donghyuck let him go long enough to toss his mask and coat aside, onto the floor.

In a second, Donghyuck's hands are back on him, searching for purchase under all the layers Jaemin has buried himself in. Jaemin slides the hood off Donghyuck's head, sends his beanie tumbling to the floor, forgotten in an instant. He catches Donghyuck's lips in another kiss, and they fall together back onto Jaemin's bed. The mattress creaks and groans under twice the weight it's used to, but Jaemin barely hears.

All he knows is the rush in his ears, the racing of his heart, and the feeling of Donghyuck pressed up against him. It's all he needs to know. Then and there, it's all that matters.

☆

Later, when everything has fallen still and silent, Donghyuck runs his fingers along Jaemin's skin, up and down his arm, tracing every inch under the blankets. "You're so cold," he whispers.

Like the words have a little bit of magic laced through them, Jaemin shivers. "I'm always cold," he says, just as quiet as Donghyuck.

"I know." Donghyuck mouths the words into the back of Jaemin's neck and sends another shiver racing down his spine. "It's more than usual, though. Your apartment is freezing."

"I know," Jaemin echoes. "I'm never here except to sleep, so I don't use the heating."

"But you're _so_ cold, baby," Donghyuck says, pausing his gentle ministrations against Jaemin's skin to tuck the mountain of sheets and covers tighter around them. "What if you get sick?"

"What did you get me all these blankets for then?" Jaemin asks, because it's easier than really answering Donghyuck's unasked question of _why_.

"Every self-respecting adult needs to own a duvet," Donghyuck says. "And _something_ warm needs to be wrapped around you at night when I'm not here."

Jaemin's heart clenches, and he reaches blindly for Donghyuck's hand, lacing their fingers together when he finds it. He brings their hands up to his lips and presses a gentle kiss to Donghyuck's knuckles. "Thank you," he whispers into Donghyuck's skin, sealing the words with a second kiss.

Donghyuck snuggles impossibly closer. "Anything for you," he says softly. "I wish it was me every night, though."

"I know," Jaemin sighs, a familiar ache blooming within his rib cage. "Me too."

Suddenly all he wants is to look Donghyuck in the eyes, feel the soft press of his lips again. He turns over, nearly laughs at the low whine that Donghyuck lets out at the loss of contact.

"You don't like my cuddles?" Donghyuck pouts as Jaemin presses close again, their legs tangling under the blankets.

"I do," Jaemin says, blinking at Donghyuck in the half-light, "just want to see your face, is all."

Something painfully gentle washes over Donghyuck then, smoothing all the lines of his face so he's nothing but soft curves and a smile Jaemin knows is saved only for him, eyes glittering like stars at dusk.

"I love you so much," Donghyuck says, shifting his head on the pillow so his nose brushes against Jaemin's, his wild hair tickling Jaemin's temple. "So much," he says again, like once wasn't quite enough.

Jaemin feels his lips tug into a smile, and he angles forward until his lips ghost against Donghyuck's. "I love you too," he says. "I think I love you so much that sometimes I don't know what to do."

"I can think of something," Donghyuck murmurs, and before Jaemin can ask what, Donghyuck kisses him again.

It's slow, languid, none of the burning urgency from before. Just Jaemin wrapping an arm around Donghyuck, Donghyuck doing the same in return. Just the gentle brush of their lips and the knowledge that they're not alone, that they're together again after too long apart.

Jaemin thinks that even if they just stayed like this until one of them had to leave, it would be enough, _more_ than enough. Anything with Donghyuck is enough for him.

It gets late, though, and they can't kiss forever, no matter how much Jaemin would like to. He and Donghyuck have showered, brushed their teeth as well, so when Jaemin rolls over to stifle a large yawn behind his hand, Donghyuck just laughs lightly and says they should probably try to sleep.

Jaemin has half a mind to protest - he sees so little of Donghyuck already, and giving up precious time together is hardly his favorite choice to make - but he knows Donghyuck is right. Knows Donghyuck is probably exhausted from two weeks of promoting and attending important functions and catching more flights than Jaemin has in the last few years combined. Knows that he sleeps better with Donghyuck pressed up against him than any other time.

So Jaemin nods, and presses one last kiss to the high point of Donghyuck's cheek. "I'll be right back," he says, rolling off the bed before fear of the cold air that awaits him can fully sink in. He rushes to turn off the singular light he'd left on before climbing into bed with Donghyuck, then dives back under the covers as darkness drapes heavily over the apartment.

A faint giggle bubbles in Donghyuck's chest and he pulls Jaemin close again, rubs warm hands up and down his skin to try and chase away the goosebumps and calm his shivering.

"Thanks," Jaemin breathes, snuggling into Donghyuck, seeking out his warmth like he always does, always has.

"'f course, baby," Donghyuck says, voice soft and sweet and _so_ tired. "Love you," he mumbles.

"Love you," Jaemin whispers back. "Night."

Donghyuck hums, chest thrumming under Jaemin's touch.

The warmth of Donghyuck's skin is the last thing Jaemin is aware of before slipping under and drifting off for the night.


	2. dancing with our hands tied

☆ JAEMIN ☆

_May tumbles into June almost without Jaemin noticing. The days stretch longer and grow muggier, and sometimes it’s not even all that hot, but it’s so_ wet _out that walking across the campgrounds feels like swimming. They start filming earlier in the mornings, later into the afternoons, breaking at midday to all crowd into either the dining hall or the house at the entrance of the camp._

_Jaemin honestly feels a bit bad for the leads, and lead crew members, who get fewer breaks than everyone else, and who get stuck filming in worse conditions simply because they have so many more scenes to shoot. But, if this drama does well, he’s sure it’ll be worth it for their paychecks and open even more doors for them, so he figures they’re probably all right._

_He’s just wrapped a scene with Donghyuck and Sooyoung and another girl from the cast named Soeun - only a year younger than he is, but with eyes so wide and cheeks so round, she looks barely fifteen. It comes as a relief when the director finally says they’ve gotten it, since the scene requires a strong performance from Soeun, and they’ve had to reshoot it countless times because she’s been struggling with it. It’s her first role ever, and she’s good when she gets into it, but she’s so timid that sometimes her performance falls short of what’s needed._

_As everyone starts to move to the next place they’re needed - Donghyuck off to track down water from his manager, Sooyoung heading to another marked set for a different scene - Jaemin turns away from the crowd, looking for Soeun. He finds her walking briskly down a dirt path that leads back to the heart of camp where the air conditioned buildings sit in wait._

_Without really thinking, Jaemin hurries after her, catching up just before she turns down a bend and is hidden by the trees casting the path in forgiving shade. “Soeun-ssi,” he calls to draw her attention when she doesn’t slow even as he approaches._

_She glances over her shoulder at him, steps faltering. Her shoulders are drawn in tight to her body, and she doesn’t meet Jaemin’s eyes. Her face is redder than a heat-induced flush._

_“You did good,” Jaemin says as he falls into step beside her. “This is your first role, right?”_

_Soeun nods, still skirting eye contact._

_“You know, Donghyuck and I flub scenes too. Even Sooyoung-sunbae, and probably everyone else here too. But it gets easier - messing up, I mean. It’s part of the process, I promise.”_

_Soeun gives Jaemin a look he can’t quite read, but it doesn’t seem like an altogether bad one._

_“Don’t be too hard on yourself,” Jaemin says, almost going to pat Soeun’s shoulder before thinking better of it. She’s shy, closed off and hesitant around strangers, doesn’t seem like she’d appreciate the contact. “You’re doing well.”_

_“Okay,” Soeun says simply, and Jaemin worries he’s overstepped by forcing conversation when she looks so much like she just wants to be left alone, but then he notices that some of the tension has bleed from Soeun’s shoulders, and her lips are ticked up just slightly at the corners._

_Jaemin lets out a breath of relief that his attempts at interaction - maybe even comfort? - haven’t been a total disaster. “I’ll leave you be now,” he says sheepishly, coming to a halt while Soeun continues to walk ahead. “Looking forward to our next scene together, though,” he calls after her._

_She looks over her shoulder with something more like a real smile, and sends him a wave before continuing on._

_A satisfied grin worms its way onto Jaemin’s face; he’s so used to being the youngest person in the room, it’s nice to act like a supportive senior for once, rather than the lost junior. Besides, Jaemin’s been in Soeun’s shoes before, remembers how nerve wracking each failed line can be, so he’s happy to do anything he can to help, even if he’s not leagues ahead of her yet._

_He turns on his heel and heads back the way he came so he doesn’t get scolded by the director, who hasn’t released him for free time yet. As he walks, heat bears down on him and humidity drenches his back in sweat, but he feels surprisingly good. If Soeun comes out of her shell more as the weeks pass, maybe he’ll leave the campgrounds at the end of summer with another friend. It would be nice._

☆

Jaemin wakes to Donghyuck’s breath fanning hot against the skin of his neck. Stirring, he can feel one of Donghyuck’s legs thrown over his own, one of Donghyuck’s hands rubbing absently along his bare stomach. Jaemin considers just laying still and letting the brush of Donghyuck’s skin lull him back to sleep, but Donghyuck must feel him shift, because he hums, throat against Jaemin’s shoulder, and brushes his lips against Jaemin’s neck as light as butterfly’s wings. Jaemin lets a sigh slip from his lips, warm and content and _rested_ for the first time in weeks. 

“How are you already awake?” Jaemin asks, voice low and scratchy from sleep. “Your clock is two hours back on Jakarta time; aren’t you tired?”

“I am,” Donghyuck mumbles against Jaemin’s throat where his lips have found a home. “I can barely keep my eyes open.”

“Go back to sleep, Hyuckie,” Jaemin says, angling so he can press a kiss to the top of Donghyuck’s head. “You’ve earned a good night’s rest.”

“Mm- don’t wanna waste any time with you.” Donghyuck nuzzles closer, draping more of his body over Jaemin’s. “I’ll sleep later.”

“I don’t have to be at the company until noon,” Jaemin tells him gently. Weak sunlight filters through Jaemin’s curtains and cuts a pale strip of light across the foot of his bed. It’s still early. “We’ve got time.” The words feel strange on his tongue, unfamiliar. 

But Donghyuck resolutely shakes his head, messy hair tickling Jaemin’s jaw, and returns to kissing the sensitive skin of Jaemin’s neck. His lips move all the way from the junction of Jaemin’s collar to the pulsepoint in his throat, and with each kiss, press a little bit harder. 

Heat starts to spread across Jaemin’s skin, blooming in his chest and stomach and burning outwards, like Donghyuck has ushered in an early summer to chase away the chill that clings to Jaemin’s bones. 

“Are you sure you’re tired?” Jaemin breathes as Donghyuck shifts the leg he has thrown over Jaemin’s thighs. The bed is small enough that they have to squeeze together to both fit on it, but Donghyuck is inching closer still. 

“What would make you think I’m not?” Donghyuck asks, innocence in his voice, despite the hand he has creeping towards Jaemin’s hip bone, rubbing his skin in a way that makes Jaemin flinch, ticklish and anticipating. He seals the question with another kiss, this one coupled with a graze of teeth, and Jaemin inhales sharply. 

Donghyuck smiles against his skin.

“You’re very impatient, you know that?” Jaemin asks, failing to hide the strain of his voice behind a teasing tone. 

“Disagree.” Donghyuck lifts himself up onto his forearm to get a better angle at Jaemin’s exposed skin. The action knocks some of their blankets down, but as soon as Jaemin shivers, Donghyuck is pressing against him again, and another flash of heat runs through him. “I always wait for you,” Donghyuck murmurs, “when you ask.” 

As if to prove his point, Donghyuck pauses, lips and teeth ghosting against the underside of Jaemin’s jaw, touching but just barely. Close but not enough. 

Jaemin knows Donghyuck can feel it, when he swallows hard in response, knows Donghyuck is hiding a grin when Jaemin throws an arm around Donghyuck’s shoulders to draw him back in. “I didn’t ask,” he says hotly, though the effect is lost as he goes breathless when Donghyuck nips at his neck. 

“Good to know,” Donghyuck says. And then his kisses get hotter, and there’s nothing else to say. 

☆

 _On Donghyuck’s birthday, the skies open like floodgates and it_ pours _._

_The rain starts around midday, at first just a drizzle, before it quickly grows in strength and becomes their first proper summer storm. Everyone rushes into the nearest buildings, filming put on hold to save the cameras and equipment. The storm strikes while half the cast are on break, already tucked safely away in the large dining hall. The other half - Jaemin and Donghyuck included - are not so lucky._

_Somehow, Donghyuck handles it the best out of everyone. They’d been shooting their scene - an argument over which counselor's ideas to use for some upcoming camp event - near one of the actual campsites, and when the rain starts, Donghyuck is the first to shout for everyone to head to the cabins. Despite him being one of the youngest people there, everyone is frazzled enough by the sudden downpour that they all listen._

_Filming quickly dissolves into a rush of bodies heading down the dirt path towards campsite two, and Jaemin almost gets swept up in the chaos. Almost, because Donghyuck catches his arm before the tide of bustling bodies drags him away._

_Before Jaemin can splutter a confused question of why, Donghyuck silences him with a sharp grin and cocks his head to the side. "Shortcut," he says simply, and then he takes off running with far too much glee for someone rapidly getting drenched by increasing rainfall._

_Jaemin follows him helplessly, because Donghyuck is still holding his wrist and because there's just something about him that makes Jaemin want to stay near him, go where he goes. It's some kind of infectious energy that radiates out of him like sunlight, and they've barely known each other for two months, but Jaemin is already starting to get used to falling into Donghyuck's orbit._

_They veer off the beaten path and into the woods - sparser there than some other areas - and old pine cones and fallen twigs snap underfoot as they try to outrun the rain. Jaemin ducks under a low hanging branch and tries to keep his breathing steady as Donghyuck lets out a peal of exuberant laughter._

_"You're fucking crazy," Jaemin says as they curve around a thick trunk and take a sharp left._

_"And what about it?" Donghyuck throws back over his shoulder, laughter still laced in each word._

_Jaemin can't think of any response, so he falls silent again. All there is around them is the sound of rain slapping the canopy of leaves that protects them from the worst of it, and the sound of their heavy footsteps against the ground. And then, in an instant, Jaemin can see their destination peeking through the gaps in the trees; up ahead lies one of the campsite’s cabins, just waiting for them to reach it._

_Donghyuck gives Jaemin's arm another tug, but the slick water on their skin makes it hard to keep a firm grip, and Jaemin's wrist starts to slip out of Donghyuck's hold. Without thinking, Jaemin grabs Donghyuck's hand before he loses his grip completely, and locks his fingers around Donghyuck's. Another tug, and Jaemin pulls up even next to Donghyuck. Out of the corner of his eye, he can see a wide grin splitting Donghyuck's face._

_And then they burst out of the woods and the full force of the rain slams into them, and Jaemin finds a laugh springing free from his own chest as they race up the two steps leading to the cabin door. Donghyuck shoves the door open with one hand and Jaemin slams it shut behind them, locking the storm away. He lets Donghyuck's hand slip free of his own as they both collapse to their knees, soaking wet and laughing like fools._

_"What a fucking birthday," Donghyuck wheezes, hands folded behind his head as he stares out one of the cabin windows at the rain lashing at the glass, obscuring the view._

_"I can't tell if you're laughing because you're having a good time or because you've really lost it," Jaemin says, trying to catch his breath as he comes down from the adrenaline high that had gotten him through the woods._

_"Both, for sure," Donghyuck says, turning to face Jaemin with a wild glint in his eye. "I'm sure this is bad for the production and I hadn't had getting soaked on my to-do list for the day, but god I do love summer storms."_

_"Yeah?" Jaemin asks. He's never been the biggest fan of bright lightning and rolling thunder._

_Donghyuck nods. "They remind me of Jeju. That's where I grew up."_

_"Really? You seemed like such a city guy when we met. Didn't you complain about the weather the first day we were here?"_

_Donghyuck shrugs. "I mean this place isn't exactly an island. Besides, Jeju has such a special climate- there's really nowhere else like it that I've been before. And as for the city thing, well I moved when I was fifteen, so I guess maybe I've lost my roots."_

_Some of the light fades from Donghyuck's eyes when he says this, so Jaemin laughs to ease his nerves, "I don't think you have to worry about that with the way you ran through the woods back there."_

_Just like that, a line of tension in Donghyuck's brow that Jaemin hadn't even noticed fades away. "Glad I've still got it," Donghyuck says with a smile._

_"Definitely," Jaemin nods._

_When Donghyuck doesn't say anything more, Jaemin becomes acutely aware of the sound of rain hammering away at the roof and walls of the cabin. And, after a long moment, there's the distant rumble of thunder._

_"Sounds like a real storm's coming," Donghyuck notes._

_"Yeah." Jaemin hopes the prickle of unease in his gut doesn't grow any stronger, hopes it doesn't grow to the point that Donghyuck is able to pick up on it. For the time being, with the storm still sounding far-off, he should be all right._

_"Man," Donghyuck says, "I sure hope this storm breaks the humidity. I could go for some crisper air for a while."_

_Jaemin nods in agreement. "That would be really nice."_

_"Imagine going a whole morning shoot without sweating," Donghyuck sighs dreamily._

_Jaemin snorts. "That's the dream."_

_"You bet your bottom fucking dollar it is," Donghyuck says. "I swear I'm made of sixty percent water and forty percent antiperspirant at this point. It's ridiculous."_

_"Dude me the fuck too. Also the waterproof setting spray they put over our makeup makes me sneeze every single time. Why does it smell like that?"_

_Donghyuck lets out a surprised laugh. "Wait, are you serious? I thought I was the only one."_

_"Definitely not," Jaemin says, delivering it with enough feeling that Donghyuck laughs again. It's such a nice sound that it sets Jaemin off too, and then the both of them are stuck gasping for breath in between fits of giggles on the cabin floor._

_Jaemin feels strangely grateful that Donghyuck had pulled him away from the crowd of cast and crew, that they've ended up with a cabin together, all to themselves._

_After Donghyuck finally peels himself up off the floor, he tugs at his sopping shirt, and fills the room with the sound of wet fabric squelching away from skin. He pulls a disgusted face that Jaemin can't help but mirror._

_"Think the stylists will kill me if I toss this shit on the floor?" Donghyuck asks, though he doesn't wait for an answer as he grabs the bottom of his shirt and starts to tug it over his head. There's an awful wet sound as the shirt unsticks from his chest and back, but it only lasts a moment before Donghyuck has wrestled his head free from the tight shirt collar and tosses the pile of soaked clothing onto the floor about a meter away._

_Jaemin tracks the movement so his eyes don't get caught on the trail of water running down Donghyuck's chest. "You not even gonna wring it out?"_

_"All over the floor?" Donghyuck asks incredulously._

_"Point," Jaemin says. "Hang it up then?"_

_Donghyuck shoots him a look. "Where?"_

_Jaemin scans the room, but it's stripped bare, nothing but dark wood and windows and a door. Right as he's about to concede the debate, Jaemin's eyes snap back to the windows. "There," he says, pointing to the empty curtain rod. It's a bit high, but on his tiptoes, Donghyuck should be able to reach it._

_Donghyuck follows the line of Jaemin's arm and makes an appreciative sound. "Actually, that's a good idea." He glances back to Jaemin. "Looks like there's room for two."_

_Jaemin looks down at his own soaked shirt, stuck uncomfortably to his skin. It probably would feel good to take it off, but he hesitates._

_"Come on," Donghyuck says, "there's no girls around. We've got the place all to ourselves."_

_"Right." It comes out a bit flatter than Jaemin intends._

_Donghyuck's gaze lingers on him a moment longer before he stands to retrieve his discarded shirt and walk it over to the window. "Oh," he says, back to Jaemin, "I get it. Are you shy with this stuff? Only child or something?"_

_Jaemin exhales, half of a laugh. "Yeah. Shy. Only child. What about you? Big family?"_

_Donghyuck nods, stretching out his body to reach the curtain rod. The faint light shining in through the window dances off the water still dripping down Donghyuck's skin as he pushes onto his toes to hang up his shirt._

_Jaemin looks away._

_"I've got two brothers and a sister. And my parents loved having our cousins and friends over and shit since they were all kind of the same age."_

_"That sounds fun. I always wanted siblings," Jaemin admits._

_"Yeah. Well, they're great except for when they aren't."_

_"Yeah, that's what people say."_

_Donghyuck laughs through his nose as he turns back to Jaemin, shirt now draped over the curtain rod. "Universal experience, I guess. Anyway, point is you don't have to worry about being modest. At least around me. I've seen it all."_

_"Pretty bold statement from someone who's barely nineteen," Jaemin notes._

_"Hey," Donghyuck whines, "I don't think you should be allowed to tell me I'm wrong on my birthday."_

_Jaemin raises his brows. "Maybe you should just say things that are right, then."_

_Donghyuck gasps in exaggerated offence. "We'll still be here when your birthday rolls around, Smarty Pants. I will remember this."_

_Jaemin laughs, pleasantly surprised Donghyuck remembers he's an August baby. "I'm sure you will."_

_"I can't believe this," Donghyuck says, shaking his head as he walks back over to Jaemin and sits down on a dry part of the floor (not that it matters when his shorts are only slightly better off than his shirt had been). "Slander. On my own date of birth. You wound me, Jaemin."_

_A stubborn smile tugs at Jaemin's lips. "So sorry to offend, your highness." There's a teasing lilt to his voice, and Donghyuck eats it up._

_"That's more like it," he sniffs, tilting his head up so he looks like a caricature of himself. He holds the act for a moment before letting it drop, a real smile replacing the forced snooty look on his face. "Anyway," he says, "I meant it- what I said before. I'd hate for you to get sick because you were too embarrassed to be shirtless in the privacy of our own luxury cabin in the woods."_

_"Dude, it sounds so sus when you say it like that," Jaemin says, embarrassed heat prickling at his cheeks. "Like we're those morons at the beginning of a horror movie who die first or something."_

_"Oh yes, if I were a slasher I'd for sure be all about walking around in a big old mask in the middle of a summer storm in a random campground when camp isn't even in session," Donghyuck teases._

_Jaemin makes a face at him. "Listen, I don't think slashers are known for their common sense."_

_Donghyuck shrugs. "Whatever. I think you're just stalling."_

_"I am not," Jaemin splutters._

_"Uh-huh," Donghyuck says, clearly not buying it._

_"I'm_ not _," Jaemin says again, and to drive his point home, he shoves down all the strange twisting in his stomach and grabs the bottom of his shirt to tug it over his head. It makes the same disgusting shucking sound that Donghyuck's had made, and Jaemin's head gets stuck halfway through the collar of the shirt, but eventually he gets the damn thing off._

_Donghyuck's brows are raised in approval when Jaemin looks his way, and Jaemin's ears burn._

_"Shut up," he says, indignant._

_Donghyuck's grin turns shit-eating. "I didn't say anything."_

_"I can hear you thinking," Jaemin shoots back, standing and bringing his shirt over the window to hang it next to Donghyuck's._

_"Oh yeah? What am I thinking?" Donghyuck asks._

_"I don't think you want me to say," Jaemin answers without looking back. "I'm pretty sure you just told me I wasn't allowed to be mean to you on your birthday."_

_Donghyuck huffs, but it quickly turns into another laugh. Donghyuck does that a lot - laughing. It really is a nice sound, Jaemin thinks._

_"You're a quick learner," Donghyuck says. "I knew I liked you for a reason."_

_"I'm so flattered," Jaemin deadpans to cover the satisfied smile trying to creep onto his face as he finishes hanging his shirt and turns back to face Donghyuck. He's not sure he succeeds, though._

_Donghyuck hums, amusement dancing in his eyes. He doesn't push any farther, though, and Jaemin is grateful. "Looks like we'll be here for a while," Donghyuck notes, jumping topics easily as another deep rumble of thunder passes through the air._

_"Probably, yeah," Jaemin says, taking a few hurried steps away from the window and sinking back to the floor near Donghyuck in the center of the room._

_"Guess there's nothing to do but talk," Donghyuck says, and then instead of continuing, he lifts a hand to his face and touches the side of his nose. "Not it!"_

_Jaemin blinks. "You-_ you _don't want to talk?"_

_Donghyuck sends him a fake glare. "Is that so hard to believe?"_

_Actually, if Jaemin thinks about it, it isn't so far-fetched after all. But there's something about the light in Donghyuck's eyes that keeps him from voicing this thought, so he just presses his lips together like he's trying to stop himself from saying yes._

_The tease has the desired effect; Donghyuck lets his hand fall away from his face so he can reach out and smack Jaemin's shoulder. "Your silence speaks volumes. Now how about you put that energy into actual words."_

_Jaemin stifles a snicker, but caves. "What do you want me to talk about?"_

_Donghyuck shrugs. "I dunno. Tell me about yourself, if you want. You don't have siblings- cool, what other fun facts have you got?"_

_Jaemin chews on his lip, looking past Donghyuck while he thinks. There's not much of interest to tell about himself, really. Just dumb twenty questions things that don't really matter at all._

_"Fun fact one," Donghyuck starts, surprising Jaemin and snapping his focus back to Donghyuck. "You think_ so _loudly, it's honestly pretty funny." Donghyuck grins. "There you go, I gave you a freebie."_

_"Apparently I have pretty bad taste in friends," Jaemin says, though he doesn't mean a word of it. "Fact two."_

_Donghyuck tuts. "I_ know _you're not talking about me, since you just said you wouldn't be rude to me on my birthday, so tell me about these_ other _bad friends of yours."_

 _"Hm." Jaemin taps his chin, and the sound of the rain and thunder fades to background noise as he thinks. "Well... there's this one. You don't know him, of course, and I haven't really known him_ that _long, but he's my age, and he's pretty funny when he wants to be. I think he's kind of crazy, honestly, and he's so extroverted that I probably shouldn't click with him as well as I do, but he's pretty smart - again, when he_ wants _to be - so he knows when to just chill out. Although," Jaemin adds with a grin, "I'm pretty sure sometimes he knows and just doesn't care. I think he likes getting a rise out of people sometimes."_

_“Sounds like a real piece of work,” Donghyuck says, one eyebrow raised._

_"Yup," Jaemin nods. "He makes it work, though."_

_"Well that's good to know," Donghyuck says. He leans back on his hands, tipping his head in the blue-toned light so it catches on his still damp cheeks. "Shame I can't meet this friend of yours."_

_Jaemin bites down on the inside of his cheek. "Yeah. Shame." He says nothing else for a moment, just watches Donghyuck watch him and tries not to squirm._

_“That all you got?” Donghyuck asks._

_“You sure you want me to keep talking?” Jaemin counters._

_“Course,” Donghyuck says. “It would be rude of me to hog the spotlight on my birthday.”_

_“As rude as interrogating someone?”_

_“Oh, Jaemin,” Donghyuck laughs, “this isn’t an interrogation.” There’s something about the way he says it that makes Jaemin’s heart kick in his chest, though he’s not sure it should excite him. “But,” Donghyuck condedes, “if you’re really against it, you don’t have to say anything. I’m just curious what goes on in that head of yours- you’re always thinking so loudly, but you don’t talk all that much. It’s hard to pin you down.”_

_“Maybe that’s the way I like it,” Jaemin says, crossing his arms in front of his chest. He’s not used to people being so direct. Not used to people being interested._

_“Maybe,” Donghyuck hums the word like he doesn’t believe it for a second._

_"I don't know what to say," Jaemin admits._

_Donghyuck raises his brows. "Literally anything."_

_Jaemin hesitates, then tentatively lists off the first fact that pop into his head: he's from a small town, the kind where you go to school with the same hundred kids your whole life, and most people end up marrying someone they met when they were still toddling, still taking afternoon naps on a classroom floor. A town where most people settle down and never leave._

_Something sparks in Donghyuck's eyes. "Really?"_

_Jaemin nods._

_"So you're breaking the mold?"_

_"I guess, yeah," Jaemin says, "I'm not the_ only _one, though. People leave for college and stuff, y'know- if they don't go right into work."_

_"But they go back?"_

_"Yeah," Jaemin says. "A lot of them do."_

_"Do you plan on going back?" Donghyuck asks._

_"Not really," Jaemin admits. "I kind of hated it there."_

_For some reason, Donghyuck smiles._

_"You did say you hate being tied down, didn't you."_

_Jaemin blinks, surprised Donghyuck remembers something he'd said in passing weeks ago. "I do. I guess it was more just that I didn't want to be tied down_ there _, or anywhere where everything just feels dead. The same beat over and over again. That kind of monotony just... I don't know. I feel like I've seen it wear too many people down. That's why I left as soon as I could. I don't want that to be me."_

 _Donghyuck nods, understanding. More understanding than Jaemin had expected. "I_ knew _there was a lot going on in your head," Donghyuck says._

_Jaemin snorts. "I guess. That's a nice way of putting it."_

_"I don't see another way," Donghyuck points out._

_Jaemin opens his mouth to enlighten Donghyuck, but falters as he realizes he's not too sure how to put it differently either. He clamps his mouth shut again, defeated, and Donghyuck grins._

_"That's what I thought," he says. "I'm actually very smart when it comes to these things."_

_"These things?"_

_"People," Donghyuck says all too confidently. "I get people. It's part of my charm. It's why I'm gonna be a big deal some day. There isn't a single person I can't read if you give me enough time and enough to work with."_

_"Remember what I said about you being cocky?" Jaemin asks, feigning innocence when Donghyuck throws a joking glare at him._

_"Remember what I said about calling it confidence?"_

_"Touché," Jaemin nods. He bites back a comment about how confidence needs to be based on a true foundation of skill, because in all honesty, a large part of him does believe that Donghyuck knows what he's talking about. He doesn't know if it's the way Donghyuck carries himself, or the way he speaks with such certainty, or the way his lips tick up and his eyes sparkle, but he knows that it's something about Donghyuck, and it's there, for anyone to see._

_Donghyuck brightens at his victory, shifts just slightly so that light catches on his shoulders and collarbones and makes him look, just for a moment, like a piece of art on display in a museum._

_Jaemin looks away, glancing to the windows to watch fat droplets of rain streak down the glass. There's a quick flash, and a few moments later comes a roll of thunder, not on top of them yet, but enough to make the floor tremble under Jaemin's legs. His eyes snap back to Donghyuck's face._

_"Anyway," he says, "what were we talking about before we went on that tangent?"_

_"You were telling me about where you grew up," Donghyuck answers without a beat of hesitation. "Something about how y'all hooked up with the same kids you went to preschool with and saw through all their terrible middle school phases and shit. And can I just say, that is so brave. I don't know how you do it."_

_"I don't know either," Jaemin finds himself confessing. "I never did any of that stuff."_

_"_ Really _?" Donghyuck asks, and he seems genuinely disbelieving. "You made it through all of highschool without any hookups?_ You? _"_

_Jaemin shrugs, suddenly self-conscious. "I guess I was one of the kids with a terrible middle school phase that nobody forgot about. Or something."_

_Donghyuck gives him a pointed look, eyes traveling across Jaemin's face and dipping down over his bare chest. "Somehow I find that hard to believe."_

_Jaemin's neck burns and it takes all his strength to resist the urge to wrap his arms protectively around himself. He's not used to people looking at him like that. He’s not used to guys looking at him like that. "Well, it must be true. Either that or I just had a shit personality, and that’s probably worse."_

_Donghyuck fixes Jaemin with another_ look _. “Somehow that seems less likely to me.”_

 _Jaemin lets out a forced laugh. “I dunno. I guess I was just never really into that stuff anyway. It was a dead town; I pretty much spent all my time in school and trying to find a way out. It never really seemed worth it to mess around or anything. No reason to get attached to anyone if I was just going to leave the second I could anyway." It's not the_ whole _truth, but it's enough._

_Donghyuck hums, and there's still something in his eyes like he somehow knows Jaemin is holding out on him, but he doesn't push it. "I guess it makes sense when you look at it like that. I really just didn't want my first kiss to be some awkward scripted thing with a stranger so I got it out of the way."_

_"You make it sound like it was something terrible you have to get over with."_

_Donghyuck shrugs. "I mean it wasn't the_ worst ** _,_** _but I'm not really sure what all the fuss is about. Maybe it has to be with someone you have an actual connection with or something. Maybe I'm secretly a sap- who knows?"_

_Jaemin laughs a little. "That's a nice thought, actually. I don't think there's anything wrong with being a closet romantic, or just a romantic period. There's worse things to be, for sure."_

_"Right you are," Donghyuck nods. "I guess we fit our characters well."_

_"I guess, yeah. Have you ever schemed to get two people together before?"_

_Donghyuck laughs, and it's bright enough that Jaemin almost doesn't notice the roll of thunder that comes at the same time. "I can't say that I have. It does seem fun, though. Can't imagine it would go quite like things go for our guys, but you never know, I guess."_

_"Yeah," Jaemin says, "I think it's nice that they get a happy ending after everything, even if that's probably not how it would work in real life. That's the fun part of acting - at least in stuff like this - you just know that everyone is gonna be okay by the end of it even if they have to go through all the crazy or terrible stuff that comes first."_

_"Wow, Jaemin, maybe we're_ both _romantics; that's some sappy shit you just said."_

_Jaemin's ears feel like they're on fire, but he smiles. "I guess so."_

_It's easy after that, for the conversation to roll over into their favorite books, dramas, movies, anything like that. There are a few surprises from Donghyuck, a few from Jaemin as well. Every time Jaemin mentions something Donghyuck likes himself, he reaches forward to give Jaemin a high five. It's nice._

_The storm passes over them without ever getting too strong, and as the thunder grows quieter and less frequent, the rain begins to let up as well. Jaemin doesn't know how long they've been in the cabin, just talking, but once the rain peters out to little more than a drizzle and they deem it all right to wring out their shirts, tug them back on, and venture outside again to find the rest of the crew, Jaemin finds that their time together hadn't quite felt like enough._

_Against all reason, he finds himself hoping that more storms catch them off guard, that they get the chance to be holed up together again. He likes talking with Donghyuck, spending time with him. He'd like to have the chance again._

☆

"Baby, you have _literally_ no food," Donghyuck says as he stands in Jaemin's kitchenette and eyes the barren cupboards, the empty fridge.

Jaemin looks up from where he's tugging on a proper pair of pants for a day at the company, gaze drifting across the open floor from his bed to find Donghyuck. "I know," he admits.

Donghyuck turns to face Jaemin, and something passes over his face. "Why?"

"I eat at the company building," Jaemin says, holding Donghyuck's gaze before he has to look away to find a clean, appropriate-for-work-and-public sweater.

"You're not there long enough for all three meals," Donghyuck says. “Or even two.”

Jaemin keeps his eyes occupied searching through his laundry, but he hears Donghyuck pad across the floor back to him.

"Jaemin," Donghyuck says, a note of seriousness in his voice. "Baby, you know I can tell you're not eating right."

"I just... forget, I guess," Jaemin says, trying not to cringe at the words as they leave his mouth.

Donghyuck wraps his arms around Jaemin, pulls him into his chest. Somehow it's warm- always warm with Donghyuck. "I know management tries to keep us on shit diets, but you have to eat."

Jaemin sighs, leaning back in Donghyuck's arms and letting himself be held, even if Donghyuck is scolding him. Donghyuck means well, after all; he's just saying the same things Jaemin would be saying if the roles were reversed. "I do eat," Jaemin says.

"Mhm," Donghyuck hums, disbelieving. He sneaks a hand under Jaemin's hoodie and runs his fingers across Jaemin's stomach, tracing each rib. Donghyuck’s hands are warm, but Jaemin still shivers. "I just want you to take care of yourself."

"I do," Jaemin tells him, "I'm doing the best I can."

He can't see Donghyuck's face, but he knows Donghyuck frowns at that. And maybe if Jaemin just talked to him, Donghyuck would understand. Maybe if Jaemin explained why his trips to the grocery store are few and far between, why he survives on the spreads at work, or the offerings Doyoung brings when he's feeling generous or Jaemin looks extra downtrodden, or whatever else is the cheapest thing he can get his hands on- maybe it would be easier.

But talking to Donghyuck about his mother, about the convenience store and the paychecks from it that he sends to her every other week, about anything born from the time he'd had to return home and put his life on hold for nearly two years, would mean burdening Donghyuck with the same weight that sits on Jaemin's own shoulders. And Donghyuck is a star, made to shine and rise as high as can be, and Jaemin refuses to be the thing that drags Donghyuck back down to earth, not when Jaemin knows how it feels to get a taste of everything you want just to have it pulled out of reach.

"Promise?" Donghyuck asks. "You're okay? Really?"

"I've made it this far, haven't I?"

Donghyuck's hands around Jaemin shift, gripping his sides so he can spin him around. Donghyuck looks Jaemin in the eye and lifts his hands to Jaemin's cheeks, cupping his face, cradling it. "Jaemin," he says softly, so much care in his eyes that it makes Jaemin's head spin, "I know my schedule is crap and a half, but I'm here for you even when I'm not _here_. I'm always yours. If you need something, all you have to do is ask."

Jaemin swallows around the lump forming in his throat. His hands come up to grip the front of Donghyuck's sweater, fisting in the navy fabric that makes his skin look so beautiful even in the worst light. "I know," he whispers.

And because he knows, _knows_ Donghyuck would do stupid things to take care of him, would give up too much for him if he asked for it, Jaemin has to keep his lips sealed. There's too much at risk, too much Donghyuck could lose if Jaemin takes too much from him, so he's careful as ever not to be selfish, not to ruin things.

So he leans in and presses a light kiss to the corner of Donghyuck's mouth- an apology, a request. _I’m trying. Please trust me._

Donghyuck doesn't need to know that all Jaemin's money goes towards his mother's medical costs, her housing, everything she needs to live. Donghyuck doesn't need to know that the lights are never on in Jaemin's apartment when he's alone because he can barely pay the bills, that the heat is never on in the winter unless the temperature drops dangerously low, or that he's never used the air conditioning once in all the time he's lived in his shoe-box studio. Donghyuck doesn't need to know about the short, cold showers or that Jaemin barely eats on his own because he needs to stretch what little money stays in his pockets out as far as it will go.

Donghyuck would only worry, would only be distracted from his own life. Donghyuck would try to help, and Jaemin has a stubborn streak of pride that makes it hard to consider owning up to his own shortcomings like he'd have to if he were being completely honest. And besides all that, Jaemin doesn't want to be a burden- to anyone ever again, but especially to Donghyuck, who has already given him so much.

"Okay," Donghyuck says lowly, eyes still on Jaemin's, but softening. He strokes his thumb across Jaemin's cheek. "I'm getting groceries while you're at the company today."

"You don't-" Jaemin starts, but Donghyuck cuts him off with a kiss.

"I need to eat while I'm here too, baby," he says with a satisfied smile, like he knows he's won the debate before Jaemin can even argue against him. "Besides, I haven't cooked in weeks; let me have this?"

And of course, Jaemin can never deprive Donghyuck of something he wants, especially not when it's something so simple. "Okay," he agrees.

Donghyuck smiles, ever-warm, ever-bright. He's the sun and Jaemin is just lucky to be caught in his orbit. "I love you," Donghyuck says as easy as breathing, and then he barely gives Jaemin the chance to say it back before leaning in for another kiss- a real one this time.

Jaemin forgets, for a little while, that he had been getting ready to leave. His grip on Donghyuck's sweater loosens and his hands sneak up Donghyuck's chest to curl around his neck, while Donghyuck's hands slip from Jaemin's cheeks- one threading through his hair, the other wrapping around his waist again and holding him tight.

The cold of the floor seeps up through the heels of Jaemin's socks, but Donghyuck radiates life, presses it into Jaemin everywhere they touch, so for just a few minutes, he can forget all about the chill in the air.

When Jaemin pulls back, chest just short of heaving, Donghyuck chases after him for one last ghost of a kiss. Jaemin opens his eyes to find Donghyuck's cheeks flushed, his lips dark and shining, pulled into a small smile as he looks at Jaemin. All that love and affection is painted across his skin again, practically glowing in his eyes, and Jaemin feels himself blush harder, like he's eighteen again and falling head over heels without even realizing it.

He doesn't know how he'd managed two weeks without this, without any bit of Donghyuck. Doesn't know how he'll do it again, and again and again for the rest of time, because Donghyuck just keeps getting booked busier and busier as countless more people fall for him just like Jaemin has. But he’ll savor these moments that they do have together, hold them close to his heart, treasure them like they’re everything to him because they _are._

Donghyuck presses one last kiss to Jaemin’s cheek before letting him go to finish getting ready, and the warmth of his lips lingers on Jaemin’s skin. He knows these are the moments he’ll remember when Donghyuck is gone. 

This is what will get him through. 

☆

 _Eventually, Jaemin realizes he doesn't_ need _another storm to get Donghyuck all to himself. Somehow, in the following weeks, Donghyuck just keeps popping up wherever Jaemin is._

_First it's by the flower patch in the yard behind the main house, where Jaemin had gone to gather his thoughts after an evening meeting; they don't talk much, but Donghyuck walks up and sits in the grass with Jaemin, and in the silence, they simply stare at the flowers shifting in the faint breeze, and enjoy the company._

_Second is during a lunch break that Jaemin spends with his ankles dangling off the edge of the dock, gently kicking in the icy lake water in an attempt to cool down. He hears Donghyuck's feet tapping on the wood as he approaches, and scoots to the right to make room for Donghyuck to join him. Somehow, Donghyuck manages to find the balance between eating and chatting absently about the day, and is able to keep the conversation flowing without sacrificing his meal. Jaemin can't help but be impressed._

_The third time Donghyuck finds him, Jaemin almost jumps out of his skin. It's early morning, earlier than any of the cast needs to be on the grounds for shooting, but Seungwan'd had something to attend to before production started up for the day, so she and Jaemin had gotten there early._

_Instead of sticking around in the parking lot or either of the two main buildings, Jaemin wanders off, down one of the beaten dirt paths, and just lets his feet carry him. It's blissfully cool, since the sun hasn't risen enough to beat down into the earth, so Jaemin moves at a brisk pace, not yet made sluggish by the summer heat._

_He's barely past the very first campsite, crouching down to watch a small bird hop in the grass a meter or so away when the peaceful morning silence shatters without warning._

_"Whatcha doing?" A voice calls to him from behind._

_Jaemin startles and falls flat on his ass, scaring the bird into flight. He braces himself on the ground with one hand and clutches his heart with the other. "Christ, Donghyuck. Fuck. I was bird-watching. You scared the shit out of me."_

_He hears Donghyuck let out a sheepish laugh, hears the dirt crunch under his feet as he walks closer to Jaemin. "Sorry about that," he says. "I didn't realize you didn't realize I was here. Didn't think I was being all that quiet."_

_"I was_ focused _," Jaemin tells him. "And you were too far away for me to hear you. I'm not superhuman."_

_Donghyuck pulls up even with Jaemin on the path and offers a hand out to help him up. "Sorry," he says again._

_Jaemin sighs, still trying to calm the kicking of his heart, but he accepts Donghyuck's outstretched hand, and lets himself be pulled up._

_"How were you bird watching while staring at the ground?"_

_"There was a bird on the ground, and I was watching it."_

_"Well, that'd do it," Donghyuck says easily. "Did it scare off?"_

_Jaemin nods, and realizes belatedly that he hasn't let go of Donghyuck's hand yet. He drops it quickly, moving to brush the dirt off of his shorts._

_"Well, Johnny-hyung's here early for some meeting or something - honestly I wasn't really paying attention when he said why we were coming at this hour - so I'm assuming it's the same for you and your manager?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"I guess that means we've got the place to ourselves," Donghyuck says, eyes glittering in the morning light._

_"I guess," Jaemin echoes, a bit dazed. It must be from the fall. Probably._

_"Wanna go see if we can find some more of those birds?" Donghyuck suggests._

_Jaemin agrees. Even if it hadn't been his plan already, it's all too easy to go along with Donghyuck, wherever he goes._

_It goes on like this, little moments of laughter or stillness scattered through the chaos of filming._

_One day they hang around past sunset while the set is still filled thanks to the leads filming a nighttime scene. They sit together on the porch of the main house under the outdoor light, running lines for the next day. When they finally take a break and look up from the scripts, they're greeted by the sight of fireflies blinking in the darkness across the lawn._

_In a single moment, Jaemin turns to meet Donghyuck's eyes, and some kind of understanding passes between them. They abandon their scripts on the wood floor of the porch and dash out into the grass to stand in the middle of the light show, delighted laughter bubbling out of them like they're just little kids, amazed by the world._

_It's a small thing - ended too soon by the sound of the house's front door squeaking open and Seungwan telling Jaemin it's time to head out - but for as long as it lasts, it feels like magic. And the feeling lingers._

☆

Jaemin spends the day at the company in a haze.

He goes through the motions with more energy than usual after a good night's sleep, but his head isn't fully in it. His head is elsewhere, back in his apartment, stuck with his heart. 

The knowledge that Donghyuck will be in his apartment when he gets home, waiting for him to come back, makes something simmer deep under Jaemin's skin. The knowledge that he'd woken up that morning with Donghyuck in his arms, that he'd spent the first few hours of the day tangled up with Donghyuck, kissing and catching up, telling him all about the web drama shoot, hearing all about Donghyuck's adventures overseas thanks to his latest project- it makes Jaemin ache with something so bittersweet he can hardly stand it.

Two days. He gets Donghyuck all to himself, and then he sends him off to the rest of the world again, off to schedules and training of his own, off to a new drama he already has lined up. The two days are bliss, everything Jaemin could ask for, but the goodbye afterwards makes it all feel so short. Fleeting, like he's just one stop on the ever-spinning globe of Donghyuck's life. Just one place Donghyuck puts his finger down to stop the blurry world whizzing by, before moving onto the next. Sometimes, it's hard not to feel like a way-station.

But Jaemin knows this is how it is, how it has to be. Knows Donghyuck gives him everything he can, wishes that everything could be _more_. It's just hard, sometimes, not to miss the bright days in the sun they'd shared together before, back when it had seemed like the whole world was open and waiting.

At least it still is for Donghyuck.

And this brings Jaemin to something he hates. There's a part of him, raw and ugly, that thinks this would all be easier if he didn’t love Donghyuck, if he could hate him instead. This twisted, green part of him _wants_ to hate Donghyuck, wants to resent him for everything he's accomplished, everything he has, everything he _is_ that Jaemin isn’t _._ But what Donghyuck _is_ is exactly why Jaemin can never hate him, why Jaemin loves him with everything he has. It’s why the ugly voice in his head never grows stronger than a whisper, why he’s able to block it out every time it tries to rear its head.

Their worlds shift constantly, always changing in some way, and life is an uncertainty, but _this_ doesn’t waver. 

The way Jaemin loves Donghyuck stays the same.


	3. you are in love

☆ JAEMIN ☆

_It's the very end of June when the first episode of the drama airs. Jaemin had hoped for some big cast viewing party, but Jaehyun and Sooyoung are still caught up filming, and none of the minor cast members are around, since they don't all come in every day. Jaemin finds that it's just him in the main house, and he sprawls on the sofa tucked away in one corner, happy he can stretch his legs, sad there's no one else with him._

_The disappointment isn't enough to wash away the excitement rising within him, though, as he pulls up the channel on the old television across the room. He's been anticipating this moment since the day the staff had revealed when their drama was set to start airing, and he's determined to enjoy the hell out of it- even if he's alone._

_But then, as if the click of the television has summoned them, the front door bursts open and Donghyuck and Soeun dash into the room, making a beeline for Jaemin._

_"Has it started yet?" Donghyuck asks in a rush, diving onto the couch and squishing himself in next to Jaemin._

_Jaemin shakes his head. "Two minutes to go."_

_Soeun, who's approaching the couch with much more composure, lets out a sigh of relief before settling in on Jaemin's other side, nearly a full cushion away._

_"I can't believe we almost missed it!" Donghyuck cries. "I totally lost track of time."_

_"Me too," Soeun says, her voice soft in contrast to Donghyuck's. "I didn't know if any of us were watching together."_

_Donghyuck nods. "Yeah, exactly. But then we ran into each other on the way here and figured we couldn't be the only two with the same idea."_

_Jaemin laughs a little. "And here I was worried I was gonna have to watch it all on my own. Glad you both made it after all."_

_"Wouldn't have missed it!" Donghyuck says, absolutely uncaring of the fact that he almost_ did **_._ **

_Jaemin almost responds, but then the clock ticks and the television screen flickers to a new program. To_ their _show. Everyone goes quiet in an instant._

_Jaemin tucks his legs up to his chest and settles back against the couch cushions, and takes it all in as the episode starts._

_For the first twenty minutes, save the sound of the television, it's dead silent in the room. Jaemin watches in wonder and a little bit of awe as the story starts to unfold, as the leads are introduced and the camera catches wide, panning shots of the gorgeous camp grounds, glittering lake and towering trees and all. Then, just before the quarter-hour, Donghyuck’s character appears on screen, and Jaemin feels Donghyuck go stock still, absolutely rigid at his side._

_Jaemin glances sideways, just a quick peek to make sure Donghyuck is all right. He finds Donghyuck's face looking_ open _in a way Jaemin has never seen before. Donghyuck's lips are parted and he looks like he's barely breathing, eyes locked on the screen with such intense focus Jaemin almost can't believe it. He's monitoring himself so closely he looks like he could dive right through the television screen._

_Jaemin forces himself to look back to the drama as well; he doesn't want to miss any of it. That look on Donghyuck's face though... it stays with him, sticks in his mind in a tucked-away place where Jaemin doesn't think he'll be able to knock it free._

_At the thirty minute mark, Jaemin shows up on screen too. Donghyuck's silence breaks for the first time as he slaps Jaemin's shoulder and whoops, like on-screen Jaemin has done something far more impressive than simply park his car and step onto the grass lot, looking around with genuine amazement in his eyes at the sight that lays before him. It's a bit over the top, but Jaemin grins anyway._

_Another few minutes, and Soeun appears as well, because by then all the counselors have gathered together on logs around a fire pit to greet each other and to meet the new arrivals. Soeun's character isn't actually a counselor, but she's the younger sister of one, and she's been dragged along early because her older sister_ ‘ _had wanted to show her around before camp filled up.’_

_Really, it's just for the benefit of the plot, and Jaemin remembers hearing someone at the table read mutter under their breath that it was just bad writing, but Jaemin thinks it's sweet. It's not hard for him to imagine that Soeun's character truly is adored by her older sister, gets just a little bit of special treatment thanks to their close bond. Maybe he's overly sentimental because he's never had a sister of his own, but he really does love tropes like this. And Soeun plays the adorable younger sister so well; she fits the role to a tee._

_Once all the characters are introduced, the plot picks up. Right off the bat it's clear for any viewer to see the tension between Jaehyun and Sooyoung's characters, and it's obvious from the way the supporting cast reacts to them that the tension is long-standing, old news. This, however, is where Jaemin feels a bit of pride. Because his character is new to the camp, he's also new to the rivalry between the two leads, and so some of the focus lands on him as he grows more and more curious._

_Eventually the counselor meeting comes to an end, and Jaemin watches himself elbow Donghyuck on screen, lean sideways and ask what the deal is with the two leads. Everything starts there, with that one touch, that one question._

_Despite knowing everything that's going to happen, Jaemin still gets sucked into the rest of the episode, and before he knows it, the screen is freezing and the first ost is playing. The notes ring out as the credits roll, and it's not until the whole thing has finished and the program has switched to something else, that Jaemin shuts the television off and silence falls over the room._

_"That was good," Soeun says softly. Her voice is a mix of nerves and relief._

_Jaemin twists a bit in his seat to look at her, meeting her eyes for a moment before her gaze flickers away. She tucks a strand of hair behind her ear and then folds her hands together in her lap, and though she's not meeting Jaemin's eyes, she's angled towards him so he knows she's paying attention to him. Jaemin feels a small pang of sympathy- it must be hard being as shy as she is._

_"Yeah," he says with a warm smile to try and ease her nerves, "I really love your character. If I didn't know this was your first role, I wouldn't have guessed from what we just saw."_

_"Really?" Soeun asks, finally raising her eyes to meet Jaemin's. There's the hint of a shy smile working its way onto her face._

_Jaemin nods. "For sure!"_

_Soeun's cheeks start to look a bit pink, and Jaemin wonders if the light in the room is shifting now that the television isn't spilling its blue glow everywhere._

_"Thank you," Soeun says. "I'll work even harder as we go on! I really want to get better."_

_"You will," Jaemin assures her. "Every day we all get a little bit better. Right, Donghyuck?" He twists back around so Donghyuck - uncharacteristically quiet - doesn't feel excluded from the conversation._

_For a moment, Donghyuck just blinks at him, a strange look on his face. Then he seems to shake himself out of whatever he'd fallen into and nods his head. "Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's all about the experience." He doesn't look at Soeun when he says it._

_"Anyway," Jaemin says, not sure what to make of the odd energy that's starting to fill the room. "I can't believe it finally started airing! This is like, a_ crazy _feeling for me. What about you guys? Excited?"_

_Donghyuck brightens a bit. "Yeah," he says, "I'm really hoping it gets received well! This kind of concept seems like it should be a hit, and the chemistry is great even if there are parts where the writing is kinda stuffy, so I feel pretty good about it."_

_Jaemin nods. "I feel the same. Besides, even if people aren't totally interested in the story, I bet tons will watch just for Jaehyun-sunbae."_

_"And Sooyoung-sunbae," Soeun pipes up. "Doesn't, like, every guy have a crush on her?"_

_"Right," Donghyuck agrees. "I bet she pulls a lot of viewers in too."_

_"Oh yeah. Double kill, then." Jaemin says._

_"Exactly!" Soeun says._

_From there the conversation turns to their favorite moments and any other thoughts they have, and the strange tension in the air dissipates so Jaemin can almost forget it was ever there in the first place. Donghyuck engages, losing the look in his eyes that had hinted that something was off, and Soeun opens up more, still shying away from some of Jaemin's attention, but growing more comfortable the longer they talk._

_In what feels like no time at all, Jaemin's phone buzzes in his pocket, and he pulls it out to see a message from Seungwan, telling him it's time to go. So he stands to go, but has an idea before he even steps away from the couch. Phone still in hand, he turns to Soeun and asks if she'd be willing to give him her number, in case they all want to make plans to watch the drama together so they can monitor their performances, and don't have to do it alone. He'd ask Donghyuck too, but he’s had his number for weeks now, and they already text regularly._

_Soeun turns distinctly red-faced, but nods quickly and accepts his phone when he holds it out to her. She adds in her number, then thrusts the phone back to Jaemin without looking him in the eye._

_"Cool, thanks," he says, trying not to take it personally that something about him seems to be so intimidating to her. "I'll message you if we all want to set something up. Maybe make a groupchat or something."_

_Soeun nods, and Donghyuck makes a sound that seems close enough to affirmation for Jaemin._

_"All right then. Thanks for crashing my watch party tonight, see you tomorrow!" Jaemin leaves with a wave. He's in high spirits, and how could he not be? He's spent the night watching the first episode of his biggest project yet with Donghyuck, and he's one step closer to being able to call Soeun a friend._

_It feels like everything is really starting to come together._

☆

When Jaemin gets back to his apartment in the evening, there's a lightness to his footsteps that feels almost unfamiliar to him. It only comes when he knows he'll be seeing Donghyuck, so it's not a regular occurrence.

As he walks down the hall towards his door, he passes his neighbor, and greets her with a smile that he knows reaches his eyes. "Seojeong, hi! I like your haircut."

Seojeong gives him a surprised smile in return. "Thanks, Jaemin! I thought you were home already; I thought I smelled something cooking in your place?"

"Oh, I have a friend visiting," he explains, ignoring the way _friend_ tastes slightly bitter on his tongue.

"Oh, that's nice! Have a nice night, then? And eat well," she says with a laugh.

"Thanks," Jaemin says. "You too."

Seojeong gives him another bright smile and nods in thanks. They pass each other in the hall, and Seojeong carries on her way towards the stairwell while Jaemin comes to a stop at his door, fishing for his key.

The door swings open before he even gets the key out of his pocket, and he's greeted with Donghyuck's handsome face, flushed pink and split with a grin. "I heard your voice," he says, stepping back so Jaemin can get into the apartment.

The smile spreads across Jaemin's lips again as he steps in and toes off his shoes, shedding his thick coat to lose the bulk. If ( _when_ ) he gets cold, he'll just wrap up in a blanket. "Hi," he says to Donghyuck. "My neighbor said she smelled cooking? And now that I'm saying it, I smell it too. You get to make that meal you wanted so bad?"

Donghyuck nods, but Jaemin almost doesn't see it as Donghyuck snatches him up into a hug as soon as he's hung his coat on one of the few pegs on the wall by the door.

"I missed you," Donghyuck confesses, burying his face in Jaemin's neck as he nearly squeezes the life out of him.

Jaemin laughs, tries to hold Donghyuck just as tightly, though his half-frozen limbs don't quite do the job the same as Donghyuck's. "I was only gone for a couple hours. We've been apart longer."

"I know," Donghyuck mumbles. "I always miss you."

Jaemin sighs, just a light little thing, but he knows Donghyuck hears it, _feels_ it. "I miss you too. Every time."

"I know," Donghyuck says again.

The mood starts to dampen, and Jaemin knows they're both starting to think about being apart even though they're together, almost as close as it's even possible to be, so Jaemin presses a quick kiss to the side of Donghyuck's head and loosens his grip.

"Were you in the middle of cooking?"

Donghyuck sucks in a breath and lets Jaemin go. "I _was_ ," he says, like he'd completely forgotten. "It's basically done now, I think."

Jaemin laughs again, and spins Donghyuck around, nudging him back towards the kitchenette and following right after him. "What are you making?"

"Dinner," Donghyuck says simply.

They come to the stove in just a few steps, and Jaemin peers into the pan to see what Donghyuck's whipping up. There are more vegetables in the single dish than every other poor imitation of a meal that he's had in the last week combined. It looks so good, Jaemin almost wants to eat some right then and there, straight out of the pan.

"It looks amazing," he says. "I _missed_ vegetables."

Donghyuck laughs through his nose and he prods the contents of the pan with a spatula. "I'm glad," he says. "I did, um, get a little bit carried away though."

"What does that mean?" Jaemin asks.

"Well," Donghyuck starts, "I got back here after getting all the groceries and there was still so much time before you'd be done at the company, so I just figured I'd keep myself busy."

"And you did that, how?"

Donghyuck points sheepishly to the fridge.

Jaemin steps to the side and tugs the door open, and then is glad he's holding onto the handle because it keeps him from falling at the sight that greets him. His fridge, which was _empty_ in the morning, is now filled to the brim with labelled tupperware and the _excessive_ amount of groceries that Donghyuck had apparently bought earlier. There's even a jug of juice nestled in the back corner.

"Donghyuck, what is all this?" Jaemin asks. "I thought I told you that you didn't need to get all that much stuff." Jaemin sticks his head into the fridge to get a better look at the stacks upon stacks of tupperware, trying to see what the post-its on each container say. Some are simple, and some are long, with tiny hand-printed letters, but all have the names of meals on them.

Donghyuck has packed his fridge with enough food, enough _real_ food to last at least two weeks. Pre-made and packaged just for him.

Something in Jaemin's chest squeezes so hard he's not sure he can breathe.

"Donghyuck..." he says, but he can't find the rest of the words he wants. He doesn't know what to say.

"Jaemin, baby, I know you said I didn't have to do all this, but I really wanted to. I figured- well at least if I can't be here, I can leave you with this. That way maybe it'll feel like I'm still here, in a way. Or something?"

The stove clicks as Donghyuck kills the heat, and Jaemin pulls himself away from the fridge so he can shut the door and stop wasting energy.

"Jaemin?" Donghyuck asks, stepping closer, but not reaching out to touch. "Are you upset?"

"Upset?" Jaemin chokes out. God, a part of him wants to be embarrassed that Donghyuck had to go through all this trouble for him, but the rest of him just wants to wrap Donghyuck up in another hug and kiss the breath right out of his lungs because he loves him so much, he doesn't know what else to do.

The rest of him wins.

Jaemin pulls Donghyuck in by his collar and kisses him until he can hardly feel his lips, relishes in the surprised sound Donghyuck makes, and the way his arms wrap around Jaemin's waist without hesitation.

"Not upset?" Donghyuck gasps when he pulls away to catch his breath.

Jaemin shakes his head, then ducks to rest it on Donghyuck's shoulder so he can't see the tears Jaemin can feel burning in his eyes. "Not upset," he promises. "How could I be upset?"

"Emotions can be complicated," Donghyuck reasons.

Jaemin squeezes his eyes shut. Donghyuck knows him too well. "I love you," he says. _I don't deserve you_ , he thinks. It comes and goes in a flash, and Jaemin does his best to ignore it. "I love you," he repeats.

Donghyuck kisses his temple - the only part of Jaemin he can reach - and breathes the admission into his skin, "I love you, too."

Jaemin used to think saying the words too often would dampen their effect, strip them of some of their meaning, but somehow, each time he says it, each time he hears it, he knows they mean it more than ever.

Falling for Donghyuck doesn't feel like falling. It feels like reaching for the sun, catching it and holding it close. It feels like discovering that the sun doesn't burn, that love doesn't burn- just lights Jaemin up and keeps him warmer than he thought possible. It feels like a promise: that even if the sun vanishes for the night, it comes back to him every dawn and draws him in all over again. 

Even when Donghyuck leaves, he always comes back home.

☆

_Over the course of the week, Jaemin tries his best to be friendly with Soeun. He still doesn't know what it is about him that puts her slightly on edge, but he hopes it's nothing a bit of steady kindness and friendly smiles can't ease. He'd hate to think that anything he does could scare her at all- as her senior it should be his job to make sure she's comfortable, not add to her stress!_

_Sometimes he gets strange looks from Donghyuck when he's around for Jaemin's attempts at pleasantries, and Jaemin figures it's because his social skills are lacking compared to Donghyuck's. He contemplates asking Donghyuck for help getting rid of whatever intimidating image he may have accidentally been projecting, but he gets the feeling the teasing he'd have to endure would outweigh the benefits of Donghyuck's advice._

_So Jaemin does his best on his own, and as the week carries on, he thinks it's starting to work. Soeun's smiles are still small and shy, but she offers them more often than before. Jaemin figures it's a win._

_All his efforts come to a head in early July._

_He and Donghyuck are walking down one of the camp paths, towards their upcoming filming site, when the sound of their footsteps is joined by a third set, louder and quicker than either of theirs. The words in Donghyuck's mouth stall out as he and Jaemin turn to see who's hurrying towards them._

_They make similar sounds of surprise when it turns out to be Soeun. She's jogging with something clutched in one hand, and Jaemin can't make out what it is thanks to the swinging of her arms until she comes to a stop in front of them, slightly out of breath._

_"You forgot this," Soeun says simply, lifting her hand to pass Jaemin his insulated water bottle. "It looked like you were busy talking, so you didn't notice that you left it behind," she explains. "I saw it and figured you'd probably want it if you're filming under the sun and everything."_

_"Oh." Jaemin blinks, surprised that he'd been so caught up in what Donghyuck was saying that he'd forgotten his water in the dining hall. "Thanks so much for bringing it to me! That's really sweet of you," he says with a bright smile._

_Soeun flushes red from running in the heat and raises her hands as if to placate him while she shakes her head. "No problem. It wasn't any trouble, really."_

_"Well I appreciate it," Jaemin says earnestly. Then, before he can think better of it, he lifts a hand to pat gently pat her head. "You're really thoughtful. If I had a little sister, I'd want her to be like you."_

_Soeun turns even redder, and Jaemin realizes the heat and running must be starting to really get to her, so he pulls his hand back to his side and thanks her again for bringing him his water. "You should probably head back to the air conditioning while you don't have to be out here filming," he advises. "I feel like it'd be my fault now if you got heat stroke or something."_

_"R-right," Soeun says, voice softer than usual. "I'll head back then."_

_"Take care!" Jaemin says as she turns on her heel with a faint smile and starts walking back the way she came._

_Jaemin watches her go until she's out of sight, making sure - as much as he can, at least - that she gets back all right._

_As soon as she's out of sight, though, Donghyuck elbows him in the stomach. "Dude, that was so_ brutal _."_

_Jaemin wheezes and turns to Donghyuck in confusion. "Huh?"_

_"Comparing her to a sister and then sending her off like that right after she chased you down," Donghyuck says, "I mean_ man _, that was hard to watch."_

_Jaemin feels his brows pinch together. "What are you talking about?"_

_Donghyuck fixes him with an utterly incredulous look. "I mean I'm_ sure _there were better ways to let her down than that. Especially after you spent the last week or two kinda flirting with her on the down low."_

_"Excuse me?" Jaemin feels like a football has just been kicked into his stomach at high speed._

_"All I'm saying is that you should be gentler on girls when they have such an obvious crush on you."_

_"When they have a- hang on, are you saying Soeun has a crush on me?" Jaemin splutters. "She definitely doesn't!"_

_Donghyuck stares hard at him for nearly a full minute before his eyes widen and his lips part in surprise. "Dude, you're_ serious _? You actually didn't realize she had a huge crush on you? Man, no offense, but how fucking blind are you?"_

_Jaemin's mouth opens and no sound comes out. He closes it again and runs through the past months in his head, every interaction he's had with Soeun since they met. He meets Donghyuck's eyes, dumbfounded. "I thought she was scared of me?" It comes out as more of a question than a statement. "She was always nervous around me so I was just trying to be her friend! I didn't want her to be uncomfortable on set with me all summer."_

_At this, Donghyuck bursts out laughing. "Oh my god," he chokes out. "I guess you_ really _didn't do shit in high school. Wow. That's- that's impressive, honestly."_

_Jaemin swings his water bottle like a bat and knocks Donghyuck's arm hard enough to get him to relax with the laughter. "Dude, I'm serious. Does she really like me? Was I really flirting with her? Was I actually like, leading her on or something?" He groans, "God, I feel terrible."_

_“I can’t believe this. She looks at you exactly the same way-” Donghyuck cuts himself off sharply “-She just looks at you with those big puppy-love heart eyes and she blushes all the time. And that’s not even all of it. Have you seriously never noticed? You thought she was just scared of you for some reason? What, cause you’re tall?”_

_“I don’t know!” Jaemin says. “I was scared of taller, older guys when I was younger. It’s possible!”_

_“You-” Donghyuck makes an indecipherable face and shakes his head. “You’re hopeless, Na Jaemin.”_

_Jaemin starts to protest, though he doesn’t know what he can say in his own defense, but Donghyuck grabs his wrist before he can and gives him a little tug forwards._

_“Come on,” he says. “We have to get to set now, but we can talk about this later, okay? Apparently I’ve got a lot of stuff to explain to you since you never got the proper schooling. This is what you get for focusing just on being a good student,” he sighs, though there’s no real heat or judgement in it. “But don’t worry, we’ll get you up to speed in no time, okay? I promise.”_

_The light in Donghyuck’s eyes, the surety in his voice make it all too easy to agree._

_Jaemin nods. “Okay.”_

_And so they go._

☆

Donghyuck and Jaemin eat dinner sitting cross-legged on a blanket on Jaemin's floor, plates on the coffee table Jaemin had assembled a few weeks after moving into his apartment. Somewhere in the process of putting it together, he'd gotten something slightly off, and now one leg of the table is a centimeter shorter than the other three. Every time they eat together like this, Jaemin feels a whisper of embarrassment that the table is still screwed up, tilts a little if you put too much weight on the bad side, even though Donghyuck never says anything.

It's easy to forget about that once he takes his first bite of dinner, though. The taste is incredible - would be even if Jaemin _wasn't_ used to cheap garbage - and Jaemin savors every last bit of it.

"You know," he says, reaching out to rest a hand on Donghyuck's knee, "I think that in another life, you could be a chef."

Donghyuck swallows his food and smiles, pride and something achingly soft in the look he gives Jaemin. "I'd do it if I could always cook for you."

"Shut up," Jaemin mutters, "I bet you'd open your own restaurant and cook for all of Seoul."

Donghyuck hums, contemplating. He places one of his hands over Jaemin's. "I'd rather just cook for you."

Jaemin tries to roll his eyes, but he can feel heat rising to his cheeks. "You're just saying that. Why cook for one person when you could share this fucking _incredible_ food with the whole city?"

"I'm not in love with the whole city," Donghyuck says simply. "Just you, baby."

The heat in Jaemin's face spreads down his neck and all the way to the tips of his ears. He doesn't know what to say, doesn't have any clever response, so he stuffs his mouth with another large bite of food.

Donghyuck squeezes his hand and laughs, so warm and bright it makes the warmth in Jaemin's skin turn pleasant, makes it spread all through him so he can barely feel the chill of the air. He avoids Donghyuck's eyes while he chews - it was too big of a bite, and he can barely keep it all in his mouth, and it’s not exactly the most attractive sight - but he flips his hand over so his palm meets Donghyuck's, and curls his fingers around Donghyuck's.

"You're still so cute when you're shy," Donghyuck coos.

When Jaemin finally forces down his food without choking himself, he shoots Donghyuck an exasperated look. "There's no way that was cute. I definitely almost spat some of that bite back out onto my plate."

Donghyuck snorts, somehow delighted. "I don't know what to say. Maybe love really does make you blind, 'cause I really just wanted to pinch your cheeks. You looked like a little bunny or something. A really cute, hot bunny."

Donghyuck makes a grab for Jaemin's cheek and Jaemin swats his hand away weakly. "You sound like a fucking furry."

Donghyuck pouts, makes another attempt to get to Jaemin's cheek, and this time he succeeds in pinching it gently. "What's wrong with being a furry?"

Jaemin takes a deep breath, ready to recount the story he _knows_ he's told Donghyuck before about a girl he'd gone to high school with, when he sees the teasing glimmer in Donghyuck's eyes. He lets the breath rush out again. "You're the worst," he mutters.

"You love it," Donghyuck says.

Jaemin tries to roll his eyes again, but he can't fight the unbearably fond smile he knows is taking over his face. "Yeah," he says, meeting Donghyuck's eyes and finding what must be a similar look to his own gracing Donghyuck's face. "I love you. You never let me forget."

"Do you ever want to?" Donghyuck asks, mostly joking.

Jaemin doesn't even have to think about the answer already on his lips. "Never. I could never forget, and I never want to."

Donghyuck's eyes start to shine in a different way, and suddenly _he's_ the one mumbling, "Shut up." A pretty flush rises to Donghyuck's cheeks, and Jaemin forgets for a moment that they're in the middle of a meal. He scoots closer to Donghyuck, so their knees slot and press together, and he can take Donghyuck's other hand in his as well.

Jaemin laughs a little to try and ease some of Donghyuck's embarrassment - not _too_ much though, because he's _unbearably_ cute when he's happy and flushed and shy. "I mean it, Hyuck." He leans in to press a buttery kiss to Donghyuck's cheek. "My sunshine. I love you. In this life, and I think I would in any life we met, too. I wasn't even really sure I _believed_ in love until you, but now I know. I'll never forget."

Donghyuck blinks furiously. "Fuck you, Na Jaemin," he says, voice wet with tears he's trying to keep from falling. "I love you so much, you're gonna make me cry before I even finish dinner. That's a crime, you know."

Jaemin laughs, thick and watery. It shakes in his chest. "Sorry," he says.

"You're not," Donghyuck says, eyes flickering away from Jaemin's to settle on his lips. "I guess you just have to kiss me to make up for it."

Jaemin laughs again, and he obliges.

☆

Somehow they end up on the floor. Jaemin thinks he tipped too far forward trying to catch Donghyuck's lips and lost his balance, taking them both down, but his mind is hazy and the details slip away from him. All he knows is that Donghyuck is warm against him and his lips taste like butter and hints of something sweeter. Nothing else matters really, so Jaemin stops thinking and just kisses Donghyuck.

Jaemin's not sure how long they stay there, lying on the blanket on the floor and rediscovering they ways their lips move best against each other, but he knows it hasn't been long enough when Donghyuck finally breaks away and presses three fingers to Jaemin's mouth to keep Jaemin from chasing after him.

"Baby," Donghyuck breathes, chest heaving. "We never finished dinner."

With Donghyuck's fingers still firmly placed against Jaemin's lips, he can't protest. All he can manage is a smushed up pout that draws a light laugh from Donghyuck.

"I promise you have all night to jump my bones, okay?" Donghyuck says. "I worked hard on my cooking today, though." Donghyuck turns Jaemin's pout right back on him, and it's infinitely more effective than Jaemin's had been.

Jaemin sighs around Donghyuck's fingers and nods.

Donghyuck gives him a pleased smile and retracts his hand, loosening his grip around Jaemin's middle so he can sit up. Jaemin, in turn, helps Donghyuck back up from the floor. Before Donghyuck can thank him, though, Jaemin leans in to steal another chaste kiss.

Donghyuck laughs again, bright and warm and Jaemin's favorite sound in the world. "I promise the food tastes just as good as I do," Donghyuck teases.

"I doubt it," Jaemin says, pretending to sulk.

Donghyuck swats his shoulder. "Watch it; that's _my_ food you're insulting."

Jaemin shakes his head, grinning. "I know. And _you_ know that I love it. I can't help it that you're my favorite snack, though."

"I know," Donghyuck says, scooting back to the coffee table to get back to his food. "But _you_ should know, I'm not just a snack- I’m a five course meal, baby."

"Oh, I do." Jaemin follows after Donghyuck and lifts a (now cold, but just as good-looking) bite to his mouth. "Trust me. I know."

Donghyuck grins so widely he has to cover his mouth with a hand to keep from flashing Jaemin a good look at all the food he's in the middle of chewing. When he finally swallows, he lets his hand drop down to Jaemin's thigh. "Good," he says. There's a sharpness to the look on his face that tells Jaemin he's going to get to prove what he's just said before the night is over.

A little thrill runs down his spine, and he stuffs another bite into his mouth to keep from grinning like a fool. He doesn't know what he did to get this lucky.

Donghyuck falls silent after that, so Jaemin follows his lead, and for a few minutes, the only sound in the apartment is the soft crunch of stir-fried rice and vegetables. All the while, though, Donghyuck sends happy looks Jaemin's way, and Jaemin tries to fight down a schoolboy blush. He doesn't succeed, but he's not too worked up about it.

Soon, they've both cleaned their plates, and Donghyuck leans back on his hands, satisfied. "Damn," he says, "I should cook more. That was really good even after it got cold."

Jaemin stifles a laugh. "Maybe you'll get some more clear schedule days and will be able to cook to your heart's content."

Donghyuck sighs, wistful, a little tired. "I wish. I'm pretty sure management is trying to book me full this year to solidify my presence or something." He tilts his head back and lets his eyes fall shut. "I mean, I'm so glad I have this career. God, I don't mean to sound ungrateful at _all_ , I _know_ how fucking lucky I am." He swallows and his head lolls to the side. He cracks his eyes open to look at Jaemin, and there's veiled regret in his gaze. "I just miss being _me_ sometimes. I feel like I never get the chance to catch my breath."

Jaemin reaches out and rests a hand on Donghyuck's knee. "I'm sorry," he whispers. "I know it's hard for you to be stretched so thin."

Donghyuck sighs again, does an even worse job of hiding the emotion in it than before. He shakes his head. "No, no, I'm sorry, Jaemin. I know I shouldn't complain. I know people would kill to be where I am. I know I have all these opportunities that you want. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything."

"Hey," Jaemin says, squeezing Donghyuck's knee and then crawling closer to him so they're side by side. "You're allowed to have feelings too, even when they're complicated and feel stupid; that's what being human is all about. And you know you can talk to me about anything. You don't have to apologize."

Donghyuck shakes his head, closes his eyes again. "I just-" he lets out a breath "-I just feel bad. And I _miss_ you, baby. Every fucking day. I know I have Johnny-hyung, and I'm pretty good at making friends with whatever cast members I end up with, but it's not the _same_. When I busted my phone in Manila and they wouldn't let me get it fixed because it being broken just meant one less distraction, I felt like I was going to go crazy." His voice drops lower, almost a whisper. "I hate leaving you alone here, thinking about all the time we have to spend apart. I hate it so much."

Jaemin wraps an arm around Donghyuck's shoulders and pulls him close. "Hey, hey," he murmurs, "it's okay. I know it's hard, but we're gonna be okay. We've made it this far, haven't we?"

Donghyuck sniffs, shifts so that he can wrap both his arms around Jaemin and rest his head in the crook of Jaemin's neck. "Yeah," he says, like he's trying to convince himself.

"People make long distance relationships work. _We_ make it work, and now I don't even live that far away, even if you're gone for work more than you're home."

"Yeah," Donghyuck sniffs again. "I just thought it would get easier when you moved back here."

"It has, hasn't it? You're here now," Jaemin says.

Donghyuck lets out a breath, and it fans hot against Jaemin's neck. "You're right," he says. "I guess I thought it would get easy, not just _easier_."

"I know," Jaemin admits. "I thought so too. But I guess the world always makes you work for stuff. Even when you _are_ one of South Korea's rising golden stars."

Donghyuck huffs out a laugh. "Yeah." He pauses, considering. "Do you ever miss it? Before all this? Back when we were still shooting _summer sun_?"

Jaemin nods. "I do. But it was different then. We were always together, but we weren't _together_."

"You're right," Donghyuck says. "It really took you a while to come around, didn't it?"

Jaemin laughs a little. "I guess it did. You're hard to resist, though. I got there eventually."

"Yeah," Donghyuck breathes. He goes quiet again, and the silence is loud. Jaemin can hear him thinking. "Do you..." Donghyuck hesitates. "Do you ever regret it?"

Jaemin feels his brows furrow. "Falling for you?"

"Mm," Donghyuck hums. "And trying to make it work?"

"I don't," Jaemin says, and it's the truth. Something starts to twist in his gut. "Do you?"

"No," Donghyuck answers, this time without a trace of hesitation. His grip around Jaemin tightens. "Never."

Jaemin exhales, relief settling the uneasy twisting in his stomach. He presses a kiss to the side of Donghyuck's head. "I know this all hurts, hurts _so_ fucking much sometimes, but it also - _you_ also - make me so happy I don't know what to do with myself. It sucks so much when you're away because it's _so_ good when you're here. I still don't know what the fuck love is supposed to be, but I know I love you more than anything else."

"Wow," Donghyuck chokes out, "you really know how to hit a guy when he's down." He clings even tighter to Jaemin, and something hot and wet drips onto Jaemin's collar. "You know I'm not articulate when I cry," Donghyuck says, voice thick.

Jaemin laughs, if only to keep himself from tearing up too. "It's okay," he promises. "You don't have to say anything. We can just sit here."

"It's not comfortable," Donghyuck says, and Jaemin can hear the pout in his voice. For some reason, it draws a wet laugh out of him.

"Okay, sunshine," he says. "Let's get up then."

Donghyuck disentangles himself from Jaemin just long enough for them to both push themselves to their feet (for Jaemin to push himself to his feet and then offer a hand to help tug Donghyuck up). As soon as they're standing, Donghyuck latches back onto Jaemin, arms around his shoulders as he lets his head fall right back onto Jaemin's shoulder.

"Let's just stay like this for a bit," he murmurs. "Is that okay?"

Jaemin wraps his arms around Donghyuck's middle and holds him close. "Anything for you," he whispers.

"I love you so much," Donghyuck says softly. "I feel like I'll never be able to say it enough. Never be able to show it enough."

"You do," Jaemin tells him gently. "You don't have to worry about that. You give me more than enough."

Donghyuck lets out a breath and presses a damp kiss to Jaemin's neck. "Still," he says, "I wish I could do more."

Jaemin runs a hand up and down Donghyuck's back, trying to ease the tension from his muscles. "Me too," he admits. "I think that's how we know it's gonna be okay."

"You sure?" Donghyuck asks, and Jaemin can feel the thrum of his voice in his throat.

"Isn't that what all the songs are about? You just keep loving and keep trying, and it's enough." _It has to be enough_.

"I like that," Donghyuck says. "I like you."

Jaemin feels himself smile. "I like you too."

"Like me enough to dance with me?" Donghyuck asks.

Jaemin's smile grows wider. "Always," he says.

He feels Donghyuck smile against his neck, and then he starts to hum. Jaemin doesn't recognize the song at first, but he starts to sway regardless, because sometimes life feels so hard he can't stand it, feels dark and cold and achingly lonely and he doesn't know what the point of it all is, but sometimes he's with Donghyuck, sometimes he's holding the love of his life in his arms and all Donghyuck wants to do is dance around in the pale light with him, and that's when Jaemin remembers. _This_ is the point of it all.

Soon, Donghyuck lifts his head from Jaemin's shoulder so he can turn humming to singing, and Jaemin can't even mourn the loss of contact because then he's looking into Donghyuck's warm eyes, letting his honey sweet voice fill the air and wash over him. He can't quite understand the words - Donghyuck's singing something in English, and Jaemin still hasn't taken to it as well as he should - but he can tell from the tone, from the look in Donghyuck's eyes, that it's something sweet, a little sad.

It's a love song, but it's something more too. Jaemin doesn't need to know all the words to hear the emotion Donghyuck puts into it.

Donghyuck smiles as he sings, just a soft curl to his lips, but it makes Jaemin feel warm. It floods him with emotion, and all he can do is keep spinning them around the small space of the floor. Around and around they go, tracing circles with their feet, swaying in time with the beat of their hearts.

By the time Donghyuck comes to the end of his song, he seems better, more sure of something. The tears in his eyes have dried, but it does little to dull the way they shine. Donghyuck is the sun and stars, and Jaemin loves him so much he doesn't know what to do. Keep dancing, tell him, kiss him- maybe each one. 

For Donghyuck, he'll do it all.

☆

Eventually, they disentangle themselves. Jaemin remembers there are still dishes on his coffee table, still pans to clean in the kitchen. The rest of the night with Donghyuck can wait for half an hour while they bring a semblance of order back to his apartment.

Donghyuck doesn't protest when he says this, just presses another quick kiss to Jaemin's lips and gets right to it. He heads for the kitchen while Jaemin collects their dinner dishes.

While Jaemin cleans, Donghyuck opens a cupboard and produces a large tupperware, setting it on the counter by the stove and moving to scoop all the servings of dinner they hadn't eaten into it. Jaemin pauses in between dishes, squinting at the tupperware.

"Is that new?"

Donghyuck glances at him. "Um... yeah," he says. "I got a set because you didn't have enough to store all the food I made. Or was going to make, I guess."

"Oh." Jaemin thinks back to the view of his fridge earlier. There _had_ been more tupperware in there than he'd ever owned before. "Thanks," he says.

Donghyuck smiles, and he seems so pleased that Jaemin can't even feel ashamed that Donghyuck'd had to buy even more than just groceries for him. He tells himself that as long as Donghyuck is happy, he's grateful.

They finish cleaning after that- Donghyuck sealing all the food safely in the fridge, then joining Jaemin at the sink to wash the pan as Jaemin dries his plates so he can put them away where they belong. In such a small space, any amount of clutter stands out, makes the whole place feel even smaller, so Jaemin does what he can to keep it from feeling like the walls are closing in on him. 

When Donghyuck finishes washing his pan, he plucks the towel from Jaemin's hands to wrap the job up the rest of the way. In no time, they've both done everything they need to. As Jaemin turns to face Donghyuck and thank him for his help, he can't help thinking that it all feels painfully domestic. He can't help imagining a time where they live together, where they do this regularly, where simple chores don't feel quite so burdensome. It's a nice thought, a lovely dream.

Instead of voicing it, he pulls Donghyuck in for a kiss. It’s the best he can manage.

Donghyuck makes a happy noise against his mouth, and kisses him back. When he pulls away, he asks, "Is that for being such a sexy, capable cleaner?"

Jaemin smiles, feeling wistful. He nods.

"You know I'm sexy and capable at other things too, right?" Donghyuck asks with a grin and a glint in his eyes.

Jaemin laughs. "Hm," he says, "I _think_ I knew that, but I'm not totally sure. I might need a reminder, if you're able."

The glint in Donghyuck's eyes burns brighter, turns to wildfire. "I'd be more than happy to remind you."

"Yeah?" Jaemin says.

"Yeah." Donghyuck takes one of Jaemin's hands and pulls him close enough that he can feel Donghyuck mouth each of his next words into the skin of Jaemin's neck. "Ignorance is _definitely_ not bliss, baby."

Jaemin shivers. He believes him.

And so it goes.


End file.
